Roadside Poetry

Back from a trip to Ladakh, I have enormous respect for the Border Roads Organization (BRO). How these guys have managed to build motorable roads at that altitude and against such treacherous terrain is beyond my comprehension. Hats off to these guys!

This trip took me back over two decades to the days when my dad was posted to Jammu and Kashmir. We had taken a long road trip from Udhampur in the trusted Willys Jeep covering places like Srinagar, Ramban, Verinag, Sonmarg and Gulmarg. Since I was only in the 3^rd standard then, my recollection of the trip is slightly patchy. One thing I do remember vividly though, is my fascination with the BRO road signs. Even today, these road signs do not disappoint – they are as rib tickling and corny as they were back in the day.

 

 

So, as a big Thank You to the BRO, here is my pick of the quirkiest BRO road signs that I encountered in Ladakh:

·         Be gentle on my curves

       ·         I'm curvaceous. Be slow.

·         Check your nerves on my curves

·         Speed and safety have never met

·         A spill, a slip, a hospital trip

·         Night doubles traffic troubles

·         After whisky, driving risky

·         If you spit, you will skid

·         If you are married, divorce speed

·         Darling I like you, but not so fast

·         Safety on the road is ‘safe tea’ at home

·         Drive like hell and you will be there

·         Don't gossip. Let him drive.

·         That is deep. Don't go sleep.

·         On the bend, go slow friend

·         It is not a rally. Enjoy the valley.

·         Life is a journey, complete it.

·         Be weatherwise or otherwise

·         Highway is not the way to get high

·         Hurry burry spoils the curry

·         For safe arriving, no liquor in driving

·         Don't be gama in the land of Lama

·         Wherever you drive, arrive alive

·         No need for overspeed

·         No hurry, no worry

·         You are not being chased

·         Accidents don't happen, they are caused

·         Heaven, hell or Mother Earth, the choice is yours

·         Someone's always waiting, better be late

·         Drive on horse power, not on rum power

 

There was a hilarious Pakistani play called Bakra Qishton Pe, where a guy says “agar shayari seekhni hai to kitaabein nahi, bus pado, rickshaw aur truck pado” (meaning if you want to learn poetry, you shouldn't read books. You should read the back of buses, rickshaws and trucks). I say we definitely should add the BRO road signs to that list!

Anger Management

Every news channel or newspaper that I look at these days has this four letter word splashed all over, R-A-P-E. I’m not just talking about the Delhi Nirbhaya/Amanat gang rape story. There are new cases every day of sexual harassment, molestation and/or rape. And no, surprising as it may sound to some, these cases are not restricted to Delhi alone! While north India may seem to be the epicentre for these crimes, the problem, and hence, the solution are definitely nation-wide. However, this post is not about what that solution should be. This post is merely about reactions of the people against these crimes.

What the Delhi gang rape incident managed to do was to get the youth across India onto the streets, collectively protesting against something they felt strongly about. The last such endeavour I remember was the Anna Hazare anti-corruption movement. Unfortunately, both these movements seem to have wavered after what seemed to be steps in the right direction. While the Hazare-Kejriwal movement ended with in-fighting that the ‘aam aadmi’ didn’t much care for, the anti-rape protest in Delhi was nothing short of a violent riot. To top it all, there are rumours that some women in the rally were actually groped by drunken male protestors! As the saying goes, ‘It happens only in India!’

Of course, I am sure that Delhi Police did its fair share in turning this seemingly peaceful protest march into the havoc that we saw on TV with its tear gas, water cannons and lathi charge onslaught. To make matters worse, unresponsive remarks by the people in power instigated the crowds even more. The crowds were screaming out their opinion but nobody seemed to be listening, nobody seemed to be taking responsibility – pretty much like our Call Centres! Naturally, sustained anger without any cajoling or a concrete response from the government was bound to boil over into something dramatic. And surely enough, there was violence – stones being pelted, police personnel being assaulted, vehicles being smashed. It is ironic that folks demanding stronger laws and punishment against thugs had turned into thugs themselves.

For the folks who couldn’t be a part of the protest, the obvious outlet was social networking sites. All through last week, I was shocked to see Facebook status messages, page shares and likes from the people around me. Educated and normal, everyday people demanding atrocious sentences to be delivered upon the rapists – stoning, public hanging and the like. People were quoting examples of what happens to sexual offenders in Saudi Arabia and North Korea. There were even graphic images being circulated across social forums of battered and bloodied men being dragged through the streets of Iran, of men who were simply left to the mercy of the public. Yes, we were outraged at the Delhi incident and are angry beyond belief. The rapists deserve nothing less than the capital punishment – I agree! But do we really want India to turn into an Afghanistan or an Iraq?

Kaun Banega Rashtrapati?

The on-going presidential polls have turned into quite a mockery. Names of random individuals are being spewed out by political parties from every corner of the country as the next possible rashtrapati. Among all this chaos, our government sits helpless in their bid to please every Tom, Dick and Bengali that crosses their path. The bane of coalition politics, I suppose! The whole situation reminds me of an unauthoritative mother not being able to control her pesky, tantrum-throwing kids. Soniaji, a good spanking is in order!


I was pleasantly surprised that nobody has come up with Anna Hazare as a possible candidate (yet). However, come to think of it, making Anna president would be the perfect cover for Congress, wouldn’t it? The Lokpal bill would finally see the light of day. If my Social Studies lectures from Class 8th serve me right, Anna would only be able to reject the Congress version once, post which, he would have no say in the matter. Also, Anna becoming President suits Team Anna perfectly - they can then continue to create a hulla without doing any actual work. Only downside is that because of the powers that come with the job along with his Gandhian demeanour, Anna would have to pardon all death sentences in the country.

Anyway, the Twitterati seems to be really enjoying all the commotion right now. One of the really funny tweets that I read was “Let’s make Pranab Mukherjee the President. That way, Manmohan Singh can be the Finance Minister again. The PM post can remain vacant because there is no decision that the PM takes these days anyway.” Omar Abdullah, too, joined the bandwagon with “I’m tempted to throw my hat in the ring for President. I couldn’t possibly muddy the waters more than they are.” The comment makes me wonder about alternate candidates, and how things would turn out at Rashtrapati Bhavan:

1. Baba Ramdev – he would be the first person in world history to be the Head and Foot of State depending upon which end was pointing up at the time.

2. Sachin Tendulkar – during his tenure, Rashtrapati Bhavan would be shut down for the first time since it was built. Well, I’m just guessing here that he will turn down government-provided accommodation, MP or President.

3. Vidya Balan – this self-proclaimed bombshell with her ‘typical Indian curves’ will have the pervs of Indian politics listening to (or at least watching) her in rapt attention - something poor Pratibha Patil could never manage.

4. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar – India will stop hosting delegates and foreign dignitaries for tea at Rashtrapati Bhavan because Sri Sri Ravi Shankar just tells everybody to give up tea!

5. Arnab Goswami – the Indian media, and us viewers, would be better off with this joker locked up behind the heavily guarded gates of the presidential abode.

At the moment, who will take up this prestigious, albeit rubber-stamp, position still remains a huge mystery. But thanks to the media hullabaloo about the ‘all party meetings’ and the didi-bhaiyya cajoling, I am sick and tired to the point of not giving two hoots of who finally becomes India’s thirteenth President. By the way, I don’t remember any hungama when Pratibha Patil was made President? Who died and made her queen?

Hairy Tales

What’s with the sudden trend of changing hair styles that has come over the Indian cricket players? I know it’s a new season of the IPL, and players are looking to attract prospective next-season buyers. Trying to achieve cult status with their cool hairdos and charming their way to the big bucks. But, in most cases, it is turning out to be a bad hair month!

I am averse to change in general, more so, when it comes to hair styles. I’ve had all of two hair styles in the 31 years of my life. One was a pre-mundan look where I sported 2 ponytails. I have no clue as to why a slight trim wasn’t the norm back in the day. The second, which has lasted the last 28 years, is exactly the same hair style that my dad has – the fauji side parting look. The logic is simple. Why mess with perfection? Moreover, I have a maintenance-free hairdo and I don’t need to spend half an hour on my hair to appear like I’ve just gotten out of bed!

Apparently, the cricketers don’t seem to agree with my logic. Case in point, Sachin Tendulkar. I still remember watching him hammering the Pakistani bowlers as a 16 year old curly haired boy. He, like me, too maintained the same hair style all these years. Wonder what convinced him to switch over to this new straight-haired look that he is sporting these days. Did he lose a bet? Did Anjali grow tired of his curls? Did he get hair plugs? I wonder!

Then there is Saurav Ganguly. He, definitely, has to have lost a bet. I can’t, for the life of me, find a suitable alternate explanation. Or maybe his new found mop of hair is just the beginning of a massive comb-over? Possible. His hair flying around in the Pune evening breeze reminds me of weathervanes placed on top of old houses to determine the direction of the wind!

Third, Zaheer Khan. The poor chap has gone through so many style changes, probably, just to keep up with his famous beau. His latest avatar is a weird combination of straight hair in the front and luscious curls at the back. If he just concentrated on his bowling instead of these countless makeovers, he would probably get hammered around the park a lot lesser. I’m sure Isha Sharwani would much rather have India’s bowling spearhead by her side than a she-man with a perm.

Anyway, here’s hoping that sanity prevails and normal hair styles return to cricket. Guys, leave the metro-sexual hairdos to Bollywood, and do what you do best – play cricket!

Slap-Sikh Comedy

Never a dull moment in Indian politics, is there? Just when the whole Jan Lokpal bill furore was starting to die down, comes Harvinder Singh’s claim to fame - the Sharad Pawar slap episode! Although the incident lasted for all of 15 seconds, it felt a lot longer with the media going on and on about it. Reactions coming in from every political party from every little nook and corner in the country! Facebook and Twitter were buzzing with the Sikh’s heroics. The aam junta just went wild that, finally, someone had the guts to do this!

I think the funniest reaction came from the man of the moment in Indian politics – Anna Hazare. His reaction on hearing this news was, “Acha! Ek hi maara?”. For me, that was a candid and humourous comment, and should’ve been left at that! But, would we ever be able to do that? Arnab Goswami, the irritating loudmouth that he is, goes about cornering a pro-Anna politico about what Anna actually meant? Did the Gandhian now support violence? I mean, really? What’s worse is that Hazare comes out with a “formal statement” to salvage the whole situation! Come on, man! So, you have a sense of humour – be proud of it!

Sure, Hazare is a man that a lot of Indians now look up to as their idol. “Young, impressionable minds regard him as a person they would want to emulate. What path was he leading these young minds on?” Well, a path of sarcasm with a dash of wit? What’s wrong with that? For me, that was one positive from Team Anna after all the hoopla about Kiran Bedi and her infamous flight tickets, or Kejriwal with his tax evasion. I think they should’ve used this to get some positive mileage out of the whole episode! Something like “Team Anna may be corrupt, but they still have their sense of humour!”

Then there was the Chamaat Song. I’m not sure how many of you must have seen this. But if you haven’t, you should definitely give this one a look. It is a spoof on the Tamil song - Kolaveri Di, with Harvinder and Pawar dishing out a fairly decent rendition. Youtube it – now!

Like I have said in some of my earlier posts, we Indians have become far too sensitive about everything. Imagine a political leader, a highly corrupt one at that, getting slapped in Delhi and buses getting their windshields smashed in all the way in Pune. Road blocks and traffic jams in Bombay. Protests all across Maharashtra. The only good thing for us bored office-goers was that they demanded for a bundh in Pune the next day. Not that they succeeded in closing down the Pune IT world, but for that brief moment of hearing the news, we were all overjoyed. Immediate thought that crosses my mind – when does someone slap Kalmadi now?

Three Tyred Tyranny

I still remember the good old days when you could just step into a rickshaw and tell the driver where you wanted to go. There was no fuss, and he would just take you wherever you desired. You didn’t need to check with the rickshaw guy if he would be kind enough to take you there. Every year, when we landed in Pune for our summer vacations, my dad would proudly go, “See, this is the beauty of Pune! Do you get this kind of royal treatment in any other city in India?”. Try doing that now, Dad!

Today, you’d be much better off taking your own car to go where you need to, for if you have the misfortune of being dependent on an auto-rickshaw, you might as well not go out at all! I’m sure all of us have horror stories about rickshaw experiences in different cities in India. From what I’ve heard, the worst of the lot are in Chennai and somehow nobody seems to have anything bad to say about the Mumbai rickshaws. Pune has its fair share of the stubborn, arrogant and perennially angry variety.

Over the years, we have all surrendered to the fact that you will never ride in the first empty auto you see. In fact, I’m sure that in some IIT somewhere there are brilliant minds at work trying to come up with an algorithm on how many rickshaw guys one needs to ask before getting a ride home. The dynamics of the whole thing would be quite mind-boggling. Off the top of my non-IIT head, the algorithm would probably account for the distance one needs to travel, grouch quotient of the average rickshaw driver (by city), the precipitation factor and a weightage factor for how badly one needs a rickshaw at the time.

What annoys me most though is the expression that you get from these guys when you don’t want to go where they want you to. Yes, that’s what it’s come down to, people. The rickshaw guys have their chosen ‘areas’ that they will shuttle between, and if you don’t want to go to their area, get ready for the most condescending look you ever would expect to see, from a complete stranger anyway! It’s like you’re asking Ratan Tata to take you to the middle of Dharavi in a newly acquired Jaguar. First time it happened to me, I almost explained to the guy that Pudumjee Park was, in fact, an up-market locality.

If it’s not the snide condescending look, it’s the ‘ask for the moon’ approach! Am sure you’ve faced this one as well:
Me: Bhaiyya, Pudumjee Park?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: Huh? How much?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: I don’t want to go via Mumbai. How much will you take to go straight to Pudumjee Park?
I mean, it’ll either be an astronomical figure that he’s plucked out of thin air with no logic whatsoever, or just to tick you off, he’ll go “acha baitho” and like the fine print in a newspaper ad, he’ll whisper off the side of his mouth “half return”. Half return…in the middle of the friggin’ day!

Not sure why services in India, in general, have gone to the dogs but this auto nexus is becoming a growing pain for the Punekars. Then you have the radio channels going on and on about the rights of rickshaw drivers, and how we should feel bad about them because of the rising fuel prices etc. But considering the attitude of the average Pune rickshaw driver, I somehow just don’t feel bad for them! Sure, you’ll meet an exception every once in a while. A rickshaw guy who didn’t contort his face at the sound of Pudumjee Park; or the guy who would just take you wherever you wanted to without bringing up “half return”; or that guy who dropped you free of charge to the nearest place on his route because he could not drop you all the way to MG Road. We definitely need a whole lot more of these exceptions though!

Ahhh...Religion!

Religion. A thing that brings the masses together. A thing that tears the masses apart. A thing that transforms the calm to the irate; the rational to the inane; the neutral to the extreme. All in an instant.

I feel religion is rather over-rated. Do you really need it? No good has ever come off it! Of course there are the obvious disadvantages - the religious disagreements, the fights, the riots. But, let’s steer away from those for a minute and look at the sheer nuisance value that comes with living in a multi-religion nation. Just simple everyday things...

Driving: Have you ever noticed how people from different religions tend to drive differently? Sure, we’ve heard jokes about the bad Pune traffic, but, take a moment to observe the driving styles of different people. Two examples: Muslims and the Sikhs.
- Muslims drive like minority rights and rules apply even for driving on the road. Have you ever observed that? Aggressive and insane with the “I must go first. By the praise of Allah, I’ve earned it!” attitude.
- Sikhs drive with pretty much the same attitude that they live their lives. Do now, think later. Or better yet, “What’s to think, yaar? Just do!”

Public Hullaballoo: This annoys me no end. I don’t think there’s another country in the world where you can block the road with a procession at any time you bloody well feel like, or a country where you have so many processions to begin with. Secularism zindabad, but really, if there’s not a religious procession on, it will be a marriage baaraat clogging up the already narrow roads. So, yes, religion and marriage – imagine that – two things that are screwing the world over! But, whom can we blame anyway? We Hindus have hundreds of Gods that we prey to, which amounts to thousands of ‘auspicious dates’ that we MUST celebrate. Add to that, the huge Indian population, and what do you get? Millions of processions! Millions of traffic jams!

Peer Pressure: All religions come with certain stereotypes. These aren’t all bad, but they do tend to add a bit of peer pressure on us lowly humans. Case in point, the Christian community. You are invited to a Christian party and what is the first thing that comes to your mind? You expect that one of the guys will whip out a guitar and the whole gang will start belting out Elvis Presley songs till the wee hours of the morning. Right? Imagine the amount of pressure that kind of expectation puts on a poor Jessel Lobo that doesn’t know how to strum a guitar to save his life!

Marriage: I’m guessing this qualifies under the obvious, but, I’ll still talk about it! Well, I’ll talk about it because marriage is the only thing I could think of to get our beloved Parsi community into the fray – talk about stereotypes, huh! Yeah, we’ve heard all the jokes, we know them all. But, somehow any joke on the dwindling Parsi community and their “thy shall not marry a non-Parsi” regime still manages to crack me up! The small sweet little Parsi community is shrinking by the generation. As the options for the Parsi eligible become, well, really ineligible, I hope they snap out of the inbreeding concept and seriously explore the option of expanding their gene pool!

Praying Out Loud: I believe that religion should be in one’s mind – you really don’t need to tell the world about it. Unfortunately, in India, the saying should really be, “I’m religious and I’m going to shout it out loud from the mountain tops”, rather than the romantic version of the phrase. For if you shout out “I’m in love” from the mountain tops, chances are that you’ll get bashed up by some Shiv Sena goon that couldn’t get lucky on Valentine Day. On a bad day, and I’m not exaggerating, a mere 1 km walk through the streets of Pune can get you blared at by loud speakers from a mosque, a temple, a marriage band and a procession.

So, how many of you agree that religion is unnecessary? You can come to me with “I’m not religious, I just know there is someone watching over me” bit, and I’ll take that. I’m sure there’ll be those who will come at me with “you can’t generalize all this…BASTARD!” I don’t mean to generalize either. But, by and large, that’s how it is, isn’t it? I don’t mean to hurt anybody’s religious sentiments here. Although, what about the sentiments of the non-religious? Nobody seems to care about that!

In the end, I'd just like to say:

Trust me when I say this…
All religions need to be shaken…
The world would be a better place…
If everyone just ate bacon!