Ancient Chinese torture – horrific? Death by the electric chair – barbaric? Well, what would you call life for a male in his early twenties if the entire female population around him was wiped out in one sudden flash? Welcome to Kerala – God’s, albeit sadistic, own country!
What is the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of Kerala? Beautiful beaches, humungous temples and oh yeah, not to forget, loads of coconuts! Quite obviously, we’re talking of a person who hasn’t spent more than two weeks here! Same question, different perspective – lets ask a north Indian (of course, in this context, north refers to anything above Karnataka!). So, what does he have to say? “Dreadful dames, vernacular imbeciles and oh yeah, not to forget, loads of coconuts!” This guy seems rude, doesn’t he? Prod him for a little more information and he reveals, he’s been here for a year working with a software company based in what he calls ‘the ridiculously inaptly named ‘Technopark’’.
“Life has played quite a fast one on me”, he says. “We were told that we would be in Trivandrum for a month or so on training and were to be transferred to the Mumbai office”. So, what went wrong, I wonder! “You know these small time software companies, man! They promise you the world when they recruit and before you know it, you’re surrounded by hundreds like you wondering, where is this ‘promised land’?”
“So, how has it been? After all, you are in the capital of Kerala. Things couldn’t be all that bad? Trivandrum has lots of nice beaches, good houses et al”, I prod a little more. “Oh really? Is that so? So, you have just landed here, haven’t you?” he asks. “A couple of trips to Kovalam beach loathing at the firang babes and you must be thinking, hey, I’m in Goa! Right?” Man! This guy can read my mind! I’m a little shocked. After all, you don’t get to meet a psychic everyday!
“You probably love the masala dosas, avial, idli sambar right now.” Has this guy been following me around or something? “Bugger, just wait for another couple of weeks. That’s how long it usually takes!”
Usually? I wonder and speak up “For what?”. A wry smile appears on his face, actually it is more of a smirk than a smile. First time this guy is smiling since we got into this conversation, I suddenly realize. “For you to get out of this fantasy world and come down to mother earth! You suddenly start realizing that this place isn’t that great after all. The food cooked in coconut oil starts becoming unbearable enough to make you want to throw up every time someone offers you chicken chettinad. All the Kovalam trips finally start taking their toll on you. You aren’t that fair North Indian anymore, who everyone around mistakes for a foreigner. You start blending in. Yeah bro, you start turning into your worst nightmare – a mallu.”
“Mommy! I’m scared!” I want to scream out. But, hey, I’m a fauji lad, and we just don’t do that! “So, how come you haven’t gone elsewhere?” I ask sheepishly.
“Tera baap mujhe doosri naukri dega kya?”, he seems agitated to say the least! “Dude, I have been job hunting for almost 6 months! I just want to get the hell out of here before my hair becomes curly and people stop recognizing that I’m a Punjabi!”
He’s a freaking Punjabi??? Gosh! Wouldn’t have guessed that one in a million years. But, I don’t tell him that of course! I turn my attention to the ID card hanging around his neck. “A. S. Bhinder” it reads. Icing on the cake is the photograph of an insanely fair individual who has the look that Winona Ryder had when she was rounded up by the cops for shop lifting. It hits me like a bolt of lightening, I can almost picture it – this image of a bloke in cargos and a Bart Simpson t-shirt turning into this lungi-clad, pot-bellied mallu. The famous Jeckyll and Hyde story. Siddharth Puri turned into P. Siddhartha in a matter of seconds! I shudder!
“Hmmm…So, where all should I put up my resume?”. Surprise! Surprise! I’m now a part of the Bhinder clan!
