Old men with young hearts...

Am sure Bryan Adams had something totally different in mind when he sang ’18 till I die’! Over the last few weeks, I’m sure each one of us has taken notice of some startling revelations around the globe involving older men and their ‘licentious libidos’. Nope, I am not talking about 60 year olds in the Delhi Metro that go around groping anything that moves. I am talking about the crème de la crème of the world here! Ladies, you might have thought that only the DTC buses (or now the Delhi Metro) or the Mumbai locals were filled with these ‘tharkee buddhas’, but look around, you might run into one where you least expect it!

Most recently, there’s the International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss Kahn. At the tender age of 62, this dude has been arrested by the NYPD on charges of sexual assault and attempted rape on a 32 year old hotel maid. I guess his chances of running for the post of French President next year are finished considering some serious jail time if he is convicted. Apparently this is not the first time that Kahn has been in the limelight either! In late 2008, he had an affair with an IMF subordinate and had made some sort of a public apology for his error of judgement. ‘Error of judgement’ makes it sounds so innocent, like he just jumped a red light (pun not intended)!

Prior to that, we heard about the Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, and his scandal involving an under-aged prostitute. This 74 year old is probably known more for his bunga bunga parties than the work he does during office hours! I mean, at 74, this guy is still at it…and how?!?!?! I think the writers/directors of Two and a Half Men need to take serious notice of Berlusconi. They are looking for a replacement for Charlie Sheen anyway, and I think Berlusconi would be the perfect candidate! Today, if you ask anyone about the 3 things Italy is best known for, chances are that the response would be Ferrari, Pizza and Berlusconi (and not necessarily in that order)! I am sure every Italian man around the world is secretly proud of this guy’s vigour and achievements.

One of the most hilarious incidents that I read about in the last 2 weeks is that of US officials finding porn in the Abbottabad house of 54 year old Osama bin Laden! I wonder why I haven’t received any forwards on this subject so far – I’m sure there are zillions of cartoons / jokes doing the rounds on this one! I mean, come on, the man had three wives and still had a stash of porn! Any official statement released yet by the Al Queda explaining this? What could they possibly come up with to explain this sort of thing? Let me take a shot at it:

Official Statement #1:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand America’s third favourite pass time behind making money and waging wars on Islamic nations. We had responded against the first two during our 9/11 attacks, and now it is time to lash out against the third!”

Official Statement #2:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand what all he could do with the 72 virgins when he went to heaven!”.

While I am on the subject of zealous old fogies, I believe that no blog would be complete without the mention of Bill Clinton – the man who started it all! You’ve got to give him credit - this was the man that put the combination of politics and sex on the table, and I mean LITERALLY!!! Prior to Bill Clinton, we would’ve never imagined that a Prime Minister / President could be involved in any such thing – at least all of us Indians under the reign of Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma wouldn’t (thank God for small mercies!!!). Remember how the Clinton jokes were everywhere – newspapers, news channels, emails, text messages…you name it! I remember this really funny one:

Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To warm his ankles.

My history isn’t too strong, so I am not sure if this was the story even 50 years back. But the new age oldie is not giving into social pressures and norms, and is coming out bolder than ever! Backed by steroids (maybe) and choicest of other drugs (definitely), this oldie has science, especially medicine, on his side – he is well equipped and ready to go!!!

Osama bin laid(en) to rest!!!

Osama’s no more! Well, it took USA 10 years and a dozen wars to finally get the better of Osama Bin Laden! And to tell you the truth, the first I heard of US navy seals killing of Osama in Pakistan, my thoughts went out to ‘Noore’ from the movie Tere Bin Laden! Maybe they actually killed off a kookar (chicken) loving Punjabi Osama look-alike instead of the real thing! Actually, that thought isn’t completely out of my mind yet! Even to the average Indian (you know, accustomed to seeing brown skin everyday), any dude with a turban and a long beard could be a possible Osama suspect, right? Oh come on, you know I’m right! I’m not trying to stir up an anti-Islam controversy here, but, its true! So, add to that predicament, a US navy seal hunting down Osama Bin Laden – its gotta be tough…there had to be some shred of doubt!

How do we know it was the real Osama that they got? There are rumours / conspiracy theories brewing all around – its election time and Obama needed something to get re-elected. Or why they decided to dump the body in the middle of the ocean rather than hold the body as proof? My own version is ‘what if the guy just died of old age and nobody really noticed?’. I mean, its plausible! The guy wasn’t exactly young when the WTC incident happened over a decade ago. He had been living in caves around Afghanistan all these years – am sure that must’ve not done his body any good – arthritis, spondilitis, osteoporosis…or just plain old age?!?! Anything could’ve got him before the US navy seals got to him! Whatever maybe the case, the US citizens are happy, and they are celebrating!

The explanation at the moment is that Osama wasn’t living in caves, but in a huge resort-ish accommodation in Abbottabad, Pakistan! Plush locales and a house at least 8 times bigger than all the other houses around! That doesn’t really sound to me like a guy trying to lay low! Frankly, that sounds more like a guy who’d want to feature on the erstwhile ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’ or ‘MTV Cribs’ if you ask me!!! Think about it!

MTV Cribs Anchor: Today, we’re headed to the house of Bin Laden…my main man!
OBL: Yo yo yo! Wassup, homie?!
Anchor: So, where do we head to first, brotha?
OBL: Hmmm…lets see…ok…lets start with my favourite room in the house…the gas chamber! Used to be a useless friggin’ sauna room! Now you tell me, we live in the sub-continent, do we really need a sauna here – I say, “hell no! just step out of the house for 15 mins you lazy sons of bitches!!!”. So, with a few minor tweaks from my trusted operatives, this room now actually serves a purpose!
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear a chant in the background)…
Anchor: Ok…but, Osama, maybe you’d wanna remove that yankee lying there before we air this back in the US, bro!
OBL: Ahhh…but I thought the yankee completed the look of the room!
Anchor: What next? Lets move to your garage and check out your rides, yo?
OBL: A’ight! First up, the US Battle tank – my man Bush hooked me up with this when we were dissin’ those Russians in the epic ‘Yo Mama’ campaign back in the day! Bad mileage, but it sure works with them ladies! ;)
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear again in the background)…
Anchor: Sure looks like it! And what’s that – a humvey?
OBL: You do know your rides, dawg!!! Traded that in for a bunch of camels!

Anyway, you get the drift! My apologies but I don’t know why Osama came out sounding like an African American rap star. Its probably because all the MTV Cribs episodes that I’ve seen featured some random rapper ‘from the hood’! The point is, even when Saddam Hussein was captured, he wasn’t really living in style! The US soldiers ratted him out from some hole in the ground!!! Compared to Saddam, Osama sure did live it up! The Pakistani government isn’t saying much, and from what I read from the news reports, they were told about this whole covert op only after it was finished! Figures!!! I wonder how things would’ve turned out if the Pakistani soldiers joined in to lend a hand:

US Navy Seal: We have strong intel that our target is in hiding in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
Pakistani Soldier: Bismilah-e-remhan-e-rahim! Nahin, janaab! Abbottabad is where we are having a strong army base! No Osama there!
Seal: Its confirmed intel, soldier! He’s hiding in a resort 5 clicks from your Army base!
Pakistani Soldier: Arrey, nahin janaab! Impossible! Are you willing to put some money on that?
Seal: Excuse me???
Pakistani Soldier: These days we just don’t do anything if there’s no money riding on it! Ask Sepoy Asif here! He used to take money just to run 2 extra inches to bowl a no ball in a cricket match…and you want us to march our asses all the way to Abbottabad for nothing?
Seal: This is crazy! I don’t watch cricket! Either way, we’re going there! Round up your troops – we march at 2300 hrs.
Pakistani Solider: Na janaab! 11 baje to hum sab Hindi serial dekhte hain. Ek kaam karein, aap aage niklein! Hum serial khatam hote hi aapke peeche peeche aate hain! Changa, janaab?
Seal: Screw you guys! I think we’ll just take this up on our own!!!!

So, what’s your take, folks? You think they got the right man? Any chance the Americans shot the wrong dude! For one, can Noore make a public appearance to settle my doubts about his safety? Meanwhile, let the American public rejoice at their $ 1.3 trillion being well spent!