Random Thoughts

Question 1.
Did you know what song they were gonna use during the opening ceremony of the Bandra-Worli Sea Link?
Come on - you know the answer...we've all heard it...
"Oh! What a feeling...dancing on the Sea Link"
Lionel Richie, remember? But the damn Sea Link took so long to construct that Lionel Richie just got frustrated and changed the title to "dancing on the ceiling"!!!
Don't believe me, think about it...what makes more sense - who would be "dancing on the ceiling"???? Doesn't sea link make more sense?!?!?!

Question 2.
Would the sign "Free Home Delivery" work well for gynaecologists???

An ode to Old Monk

You have been around…
You sure have seen it all…
Stood the test of time…
And still you stand tall!

You are the black sheep…
The darkest that I have met…
And today you wait your turn…
in the Colonel’s cabinet…

Once the age and moolah came in…
He just left you behind…
Moved on to ‘finer’ stuff…
Of the single malt kind!

We shall bring you back…
You’ll never go out of fashion…
Strong is our commitment…
And such is our passion!

You’ve stuck around with us…
Through thick and through thin…
Have always been around…
For that Friday night sin!

We are always happy to see you…
And you never let us down…
The finest drink in the nation…
Who else could wear that crown???

You still have quite an audience…
Ask the ex-pats who so crave…
For a sip of their beloved XXX…
That makes them misbehave!

You’ll always be in demand…
You’ll always be in style…
For that magnificent little bottle…
Always bring home a smile!

This is an ode…
To the best rum of all…
A ‘thank you’ if you will…
For this brilliant alcohol!

‘42.8% Alcohol’ reads the label…
Its very potent, believe you me…
One whiff of the stuff…
And you’ll be a lifelong devotee!

Road Rage

Ever had the urge of running down that nincompoop driving ahead of you? Yeah, the one that’s swerving left to right, changing lanes at will, cutting in front of you time and again? Or that ass-wipe in the car next to yours that just won’t put his phone down? No? Like hell you haven’t! Ok, let me rephrase that question for you – ever felt like calling that ass-wipe an ass-wipe? Ever screamed at that nincompoop with the choicest of profanities that only the Hindi language can so beautifully and aptly provide? Still no? Well, in that case, I am sure you’re either that ass-wipe or the nincompoop – so, get off your mobile phone ‘cos I am yelling at YOU!

Road rage is here, and its here to stay. Every individual has a different way of expressing his ‘road rage’! For that matter, even from one city to another, the ways and means that people use for showing road rage are different. Well, that’s obvious considering the diverse nation that we are. Take Mumbai for instance – lots of talk (you’ll hear a lot of the tujha aicha’s), but no action. Now, lets go to Delhi – no / very little talk, loads of action. Delhi, in fact most of north India, that way is infamous for this very facet. The ‘saale ne meri gaadi thoki, main usko thokoonga’ attitude to life. Pune, on the other hand, is a very laidback place – so, our anger expressions are also equally laidback. A little talk with some exaggerated hand gestures, and zero physical contact. I feel that the IT industry has given one important thing to Pune – people may say it’s the increase in number of jobs, some say it’s the improvements in infrastructure, I say if there’s one thing that the IT industry has given Pune, it’s the finger! I don’t know who brought it in, maybe it was the folks from Bangalore, or maybe even the BPO industry, but ‘the finger’ is the single most important thing that the IT industry has brought into Pune. Imagine 10 years from now, nobody would understand what you meant when you showed them the finger. No way! Now, show the finger to even a rickshaw driver, and he’ll know that he’s done something to piss you off. It’s a wonderful gesture really – so much conveyed by just a slight show of the hand. And then there are the subtle variants of the finger – there’s the ‘read between the lines’ gesture. Then, there’s the Italian style which, as Russell Peters rightly pointed out, might mistaken in India for ‘I’m hungry…where’s the buffet?’. Globalization, you better believe it!

Getting back to the topic now. Road rage, according to me, can be categorized into two types. First is the literal kind – where you are actually pissed at the road. This category / condition is peculiar to Pune. The Mumbaikars and the Dilliwaalas are not accustomed to this kind of road rage – so, this category is not that well known. The state and central governments, for that matter, don’t even know that this category exists, let alone deal with it. So, Pune, on its own accord, has been dealing with it in its own way. Try taking a drive between Pune’s answer to the Silicon Valley (Hinjewadi) and Aundh. This road gets repaired religiously every year, only to be screwed up the monsoon after. It’s amazing to see how God’s wrath is concentrated upon this one measly stretch of road, year after year. Nothing that the Pune road contractors do can make this stretch of road survive beyond one monsoon. I wonder who in Aundh (and/or beyond) pissed off the Big Guy that much! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a delightful drive, that is if you have a 4x4 and are willing to do some off-roading with it. But the average Punekar on his trusted Hero Honda Splendour gets mighty aggressive on this stretch. With that angry look on his face – you wouldn’t wanna mess with the guy, at least not till he reaches Pune University and calms down just a tad.

Now, moving to road-rage of the popular kind – getting wild at your fellow citizens for their incorrigible driving skills. To get angry is our birth right, and Goddammit, angry we shall get! Blood pressure and other ailments aside, it’s a good way to let off some steam. Had a bad day at work? Boss not been too kind? Well, drive around the city a little. Your day won’t get any better for sure, but at least you’ll find one unsuspecting shithead at whom you can yell your brains out. I know driving is a stressful exercise – that’s why I take the bus to work! And the annoying dingbats around you don’t make it any less stressful. But, hey, let him cut you off once, let him cut you off twice, let him piss you off that little bit more before the fun starts. Then starts the chase. Will you be able to catch up to him to show off the all American finger (I am guessing its an American thing cos the Brits wouldn’t do that - it just ain’t propah!)? What are you gonna yell out to him? Do you just give him that stern stare? Well, it does depend a lot on the size of the guy who pissed you off too! You don’t go off with the MCs and BCs at a guy who looks like he could carry his car to work! You just give him the slight raise of the hand as if pleading to him, “now did you have to do that in front of my car?”. And the reaction also depends on the gender! Yeah, that sure as hell counts. Let me take a hypothetical situation: the car in front of you does something crazy and you don’t know who’s driving. First reaction of every single person I know is: “woman driver?”. Yeah yeah, ladies! You do it too! Come on, admit it! And the cool thing about women drivers is that they think that all the other women drivers (except them) suck! So, basically, there is only one good woman driver in the world – and she’s the one that you’re talking to at that particular instance about other women drivers!

The only exception in my book who don’t deserve a earful or that stern look or indeed anything are the old timers – they can get away with bad driving (this may just as well be slow driving depending on how late I am for work). Indian culture of showing respect to the elders? Maybe? Or maybe in the back of my mind I think “Ah hell! He doesn’t need to get anywhere soon! Let him be!”.

One thing I’ve noticed is that people who come down from other cities complain no end about driving in Pune. Its fine if you’ve lived all your life in places where people are used to following some basic rules of traffic. But I just can’t comprehend people from Bangalore, Mumbai or Delhi complaining about driving in the city. Ok, I can even excuse Bangalore cos nobody breaks the rules in Bangalore. Well, if one doesn’t move at all, one can’t break traffic rules, now can one? But, Mumbai and Delhi folks, pipe down – you’re just as bad! Your roads might be better than ours, but your driving sure as hell isn’t!

How do you get rid of road rage? What can be the solution? I was watching Harry Potter the other day and wondering. Maybe that’s the solution to our problems. The magic brooms! Bad roads won’t affect you, and you can go anywhere you bloody well feel like. But then it struck me. Imagine all the two-wheelers and rickshaw-drivers in Pune getting their hands around the Nimbus 2000! What a catastrophe that could turn out to be! Right? I think we’re better off driving on the roads, or whatever is left of them!

New game for the Sunday funnies – ‘Spot’ and 'Fix' the difference!!!

What’s with this latest scandal of spot-fixing doing the rounds on every news channel these days? I was just discussing with my dad when we first heard of the no-balls bowled by Aamir and Asif coming under the scanner of the international cricket fraternity (of course, that now inherently includes the bookies and the media). Who the hell cares about 2-3 no-balls being bowled in a test match that goes on for 5 days? Who would make any sort of money off it? Who would actually place bets on / against a bowler’s leg landing ahead of the popping crease? Apparently, a lot of people would! I am still unsure of how the common betting man would make any money off it. The bookies, sure. The bookies pay the player to bowl a no-ball / drop a catch / get out before reaching a century, the player does as told and makes a ton of money in the bargain. The bookie earns from duping the common man, because he doesn’t know squat on what to bet on. But does a Siddharth Puri make any money from spot-fixing? Any insights on that front would be highly appreciated!

The Pakistani team has had its fair share of controversies! In fact, as far as I can remember, at any given point in time, there has been some player or the other from the Pakistan squad under the scanner for doing something illegal – be it for hauling drugs, match fixing or devouring the cricket ball as if it were a Big Mac! Keeping that in mind, I figure that PCB should have an additional set of players just to account for such an event for every tour that the team goes for. My suggestion is that there should be the Playing 11, 5 Substitutes, and an additional pool of 3-4 cricketers forming the Counter-Controversy Bench (CCB). That way the Pakistan squad will always have the CCB as a fall back when the Afridis, the Aamirs and the Asifs fall out of line, and are suspended for their misdemeanours. The current strength of a 16-man squad just doesn’t seem adequate for the Pakistani team under the current circumstances! Its almost as if PCB selects the team for a tour, the players get on a flight, and by the time they reach the destination, 2 guys need to be replaced owing to suspension / disciplinary actions / bans!!!

On one of the debates on TV, someone brought out the point that the Indian team is not involved in such allegations because overall, the background of our cricketers is largely upper middle-class – they have money in their bank accounts, and don’t necessarily need to cheat. On the other hand, the Pakistani squad is made up of players rising from the streets, of poor families, and the temptation of making a quick buck is far too irresistible for these blokes. Agreed. And add to that point the millions that the Indian cricketers make from advertisements probably goes that extra mile from preventing them to take up alternate means of raking in the moolah! I wonder how much money the Pakistani cricketers today make through advertising and promotions. I remember Imran Khan being on the forefront of TV advertising back in the day – well, fortunately for him, he had the looks to go with his unquestionable cricketing talent. Somehow, God hasn’t been that kind to the present breed of Pakistani cricketers, at least in the looks department. Besides the likes of Boom Boom Afridi (for the lack of anyone better in the squad), I don’t see any other cricketer really having the persona to sell stuff to the average consumer! I’m not saying that the Indian squad is filled with Greek Gods, hell no! Look at the Cloud 9 ads with RP Singh, or our giraffe-like Ishant Sharma posing with a Pepsi, and you’ll know. Just saying that compare the majority of players in both teams, and you’ll get my point. So, true, Pakistani cricketers do have it tough, and the temptation to go astray would be much higher for them.

Sanjay Manjarekar also mentioned that BCCI was much stronger coming down on the tainted players on this side of the border, as opposed to the PCB doing next to nothing. Let me not comment on that front owing to the fact that I don’t know too much on what PCB did to the players implicated in match fixing so far – I hope this has more to do with my ignorance than PCB not doing anything worth remembering!

To summarize, I say that a small set of players has truly ruined it for everybody! Frankly, I feel especially bad for the sub-continent cricketers. The entire sub-continent (with the exception of the Sri Lankans off late) are known for their bad fielding. There is no way you are going to make an Anil Kumble or an Umar Gul dive to save a couple of runs! Come on! We love our whites, and want to keep them that way! We’re proud of our ‘safedi ki chamkar’ and all that! Now imagine the plight of these players after this whole spot-fixing scam has come into the limelight! A Saeed Ajmal can no longer drop a sitter or two without being rounded up by the Scotland Yard! Poor guys, don’t you agree?

To beat or not to beat, that is the question!

First thing that springs to mind when I read all these news articles on cruelty towards kids is Russell Peters and his “somebody gonna get hurt real bad” jokes! Growing up in India, all of us have gone through the occasional (and I use that term loosely) whacking. And frankly, I don’t see a way around it! Being a rather difficult kid myself – to the extent of being nick-named ‘tension’ by my uncles, I wonder how my folks would’ve handled things differently. And it worked too - the fear did keep us in line, for sure. Am not saying that we didn’t have our share of fun, didn’t do things that the folks were called to school for, didn’t bunk school for that movie we just had to see etc. etc. etc. Just saying that the fear of getting caught did mean something back in the day, did make us think twice before we did something – it’s a different story that we did it anyway!

Growing up I had the fortune of having an elder sibling who was worse off than I was – basically, the benchmark wasn’t set too high! Problem was that I was brilliant as a kid – topped my class till around the 5th standard. Then began the descent. Well, it wasn’t my fault per se, I just ‘peaked too early’ – listening to sports commentary does have its advantages when you can come up with such lines! So, as I was saying, academically and otherwise, my sis didn’t quite set the bar too high. In comparison, besides the very early phase in life (aka, the ‘tension’ phase), I was a fairly timid and trouble-free child – or so I would like to think. My sis or even my parents might disagree, but, hey, this is my blog and I get to call the shots here :p Bottom line, I didn’t get whacked around that much. I do remember the Mathematics sessions with my dad though – again, that wasn’t really my fault entirely. Now, who the hell needs to know how old Ram and Shyam are based on the facts that Ram is 1/3rd the age of Shyam right now, and would be half his age in 10 years? Those questions were built to get the kids beaten up! I’m sure some sadistic nimrod came up with them just to find another reason to hammer his teenager! I’ll let the ‘if Boat A is moving downstream at 20 km/hr and Boat B is moving upstream at 10 km/hr and they are 50 kms apart, when will they cross each other?’ type of questions pass. Well, simply because Aamir Khan’s life probably depended on some nut-job using that to calculate if Aamir would live in the das-das ki daud in Ghulam. But, yeah, I do remember the wrath of Colonel Puri during those maths sessions. And I’m sure my sis remembers them even more vividly =) But, the point is, we did learn! By the time the exams came, I could find out exactly how old Ram and Shyam were!

What is the solution that a parent has in his/her armoury now? To me, ‘go to your room’ doesn’t qualify as punishment. I mean seriously, with the X-Box, 42” LCD TV, PSP, Wii and the likes, ‘go to your room’ should be more like a reward for something good that you did! I just don’t get it! The Americans are superpowers who possess weapons of mass destruction in their backyard, and they came up with such a lame-ass excuse for punishment? Are these the same people that did those awful things at the Abu Ghraib in Iraq? Now, now…don’t get all agitated. I don’t mean to imply that you should blindfold your kid and pee on him every time he swears, or breaks your favourite vase or something. Am just saying that the Americans could’ve surely come up with something better than ‘go to your room’!

Coming back to Russell Peters and his humble request to the white guy – ‘please, whack your kid once in a while’! It does help the other races around. The Mexicans do it, the blacks sure as hell do it, and the Indians are raised such that they wait for the day to do it to their own. Now imagine the plight of an Indian sitting in New Jersey, with his kid threatening to call the social services on him! What’s he supposed to do? Recession and all aside, I think that’s one of the major reasons why the Indians come back after the early years of their child’s life. When they state the reason for their return as ‘good primary education and the Indian value system’, they aren’t lying. The Indian value system is that they don’t need to deal with the mess of social services to straighten their brat!

And now, school teachers aren’t allowed to touch the kids either! So, with the parents not doing much, and the teachers not being able to use their trusted wooden rulers, the kids are free to wreak havoc all around. Its amazing to see parents around struggling to control their kids, and at the same time trying to tame that inner violent streak from giving way. If you’ve noticed, kids have become fussier, nosier and generally more irritating! I say the occasional whack goes a long way in controlling all that! Don’t be a doormat, I say, a little spanking never hurt anyone! =)

Or better yet, enjoy bachelorhood like I do :p

Freedom of Speech

DISCLAIMER: All the contents mentioned below are fictional. Any resemblance, and I mean ANY RESEMBLANCE, however stark, is not intentional and purely coincidental.

India strongly believes in freedom of speech…as long as nobody can hear you, of course! Don’t believe me? When was the last time you actually voiced an opinion in a crowded restaurant without looking over your shoulder afraid that some fanatic from some political party or your neighbourhood goon, or well, that burly looking dude sitting in the corner of the room, might just come and whack the living daylights out of you? Come on, be honest!

Ok, let’s take a PURELY HYPOTHETICAL situation here. One of our mantris wakes up one fine day, somewhere in Bombay (whoops…I mean Mumbai!!!) and finds out that the daughter of his second cousin’s wife’s brother staying somewhere in the plush locales of Bandra has caught malaria. Ok, wait. Let me play it safe(r). Let’s just say she has the chicken pox! And coincidently, Mr. Mantri’s faithful servant, Muttu (hailing from sandy beaches of Kerala) calls in and wants leave. Reason for leave: His daughter has the chicken pox. Now, Mr. Mantri has excellent skills of deduction – he has practically read all the Sherlock Holmes books and seen most of the episodes of the carrot-chomping Karamchand on TV. So, Mr. Mantri calls his right hand man, Aditya Puntambekar. “Its elementary, my dear Puntya! These bloody south Indians have brought malariaaaaaaaaaa…I mean chicken pox to Mumbai!!! Get the news channels together, I want to make a public statement.” A public statement is duly made, and poor Muttu, and his entire clan come under the scanner once again!

Now, as an educated Indian, or why educated even – as an Indian, you feel for poor Muttu and his clan! You do love the little idli-sambhar joints that you frequent on Sunday mornings. Not that you’re betraying the wada-pav of Mumbai in any way, but you do need a change once in a while and kaande-pohe just wouldn’t cut it! So, you read the newspaper and come across this piece of news…”South Indians responsible for bringing chicken pox to Mumbai”…what do you do? Do you gather a crowd and go to Mr. Mantri’s house to hold a protest? Do you introduce him to the wonderful world of Google search where he can verify the causes of chicken pox before making a public statement? Do you sponsor his primary education? Hell No! You just utter a couple of profanities (in your head, mind you) and turn over to the Sports Section! Correct? That’s what I’d do, honestly! Of course, there’ll be public statements from the other party leaders tomorrow morning – let them deal with it! They do need a fresh new topic to come back in the news, don’t they?

Let’s get back to the topic of discussion now. I’m not professing anything here, far from it! I’m not saying that I would have done anything different. I’m just saying that this whole BS of freedom of speech is over-rated, and simply DOES NOT EXIST. According to me, you can speak your mind in only 5 cases:
A. Only your very close friends can hear you, and another condition that goes with this is that you know who your close friends are, of course!
B. You’re talking about something nobody would take offense to – say, football. Not if you’re talking about cricket, be warned, you might piss someone off!
C. Anonymity – if nobody knows who you are, you’re ok! Through your blog that nobody reads (pretty similar to this one right here), articles etc. etc. etc.
D. You’re clinically insane
E. You’re Tony Stark with a shit load of weapons and an Iron Man suit in your closet!

That’s about it! Anyone who tells you any different is either not being honest, or should get himself checked up for point D above.

Another thing I don’t get is how come we’ve become so sensitive all of a sudden? And to make things worse, India is a secular country, with a zillion type of people that you could so easily piss off by your actions or reactions! No, am not saying being secular is bad, I’m all for it – its one thing that defines India…all I’m just saying is that it adds to the whole confusion.

There was a forward I got some years back from a friend about 3 reasons why Jesus is a Parsi? You want to know why, don’t you?? J ah well, ok, let me just get that out of the way. 3 reasons why Jesus was a Parsi are:
1. He was 30 and lived with his parents (at the time I received this joke, I was 21-22…am turning 30 next yr and I am still staying with my parents…but that’s besides the point.)
2. He thought his mother was a virgin
3. His mother thought he was God!
For all my Christian pals, I know you’re laughing inside, so don’t act all smug! For the others who got offended by the joke, ah, screw you!

So getting back to the point – why have we suddenly become so damn sensitive about everything? An actress says pre-marital sex is not a big deal, and she is made to apologize publicly and comes up with “Oh! my statement was taken out of context!”. I really wonder what the context was, but we’ll save that for another day! A guy wants to smoke on screen, not possible any more, mister! An Indian sports icon says he’s an Indian first and then a Maharashtrian, no sir…nothing doing, we won’t have it!

Not far is the day when the Parsis will feel bad about bawa jokes, or even being referred to as ‘bawa’! I can already see it…they’ll turn into how the African Americans are in US, and how only they are allowed to address each other with the ‘N’ word! It’ll be like only Sharome can call Rhyzard a ‘bawa’…but lord help a Siddharth if he tries!

Its 2010, and India is one of the fastest growing economies in the world. One would think we’d all be too busy to give a crap! Right???

World Cup 2010 - Summary by Rhyme

A month has passed…
And the World Cup is gone,
What does one do now….
From dusk until dawn???

Football crazy fans…
We watched every match…
Loved every minute…
And every second we could catch…

The defending champs left early…
The French tumbled too…
It was the World Cup of upsets…
With the minnows coming through…

Robert Green – the English Goalie…
Couldn’t catch the bloody ball…
The only club that’ll hire him now..
Are the desis of Southall!!!

Ghana suffered defeat…
At the ‘hand’ of Uruguay…
The last of the Africans were out…
When Gyaan went astray…

The Germans went on a rampage…
Butchered everyone in their sight…
Maradonna and his Messiah…
Went down without a fight!

With Ozil, Muller and Bastian…
The Germans were on top…
Until those Spanish matadors…
Brought their campaign to a stop…

The flying Dutch toiled hard…
And they sent the Brazilians packing…
But against the Spanish Armada…
Only the shins were they attacking!

A kick square to the chest…
Sure did shake up Xabi…
De Jong has found a new career…
As the brown Bruce Lee!

A beautiful game it sure wasn’t…
But the Spaniards have prevailed…
With Villa, Xavi and Iniesta…
A new high they have scaled!

Spain is the World Champion…
It has been long overdue…
No longer the title of ‘chokers’…
For the men in red and blue…

Vamos Spain!

Manchester United are UCL 2008 Champions

Man Utd has conquered Europe,
The prophecy has come true…
We are the champions…
And Chelsea, they’re just BLUE!

It was quite a showdown…
It was nail-biting stuff…
But Man Utd have prevailed…
They did it hangin’ tough!

There were some heated moments,
Drogba got in a slap!
Red card n all done now,
His only ‘cup’ is a jockstrap!

Penalties isn’t the way to go…
Any soccer fan will say!
Terry and Anelka missed their strikes…
To Chelsea’s dismay!

Ronaldo missed his kick too…
But with his goal Man Utd had led…
Just forget all the details now…
And go paint the town RED!

Man Utd. Vs. Chelsea - UCL 2008 - Pre-match

Chelsea and Man United,
Face off tonight…
They’re traveling to Moscow,
Boy! Its gonna be a fight!

We may have lost at Stamford bridge,
But we did win the league!
We are the English Champions…
Why??? Tonight Europe shall see!

Its gonna be a challenge,
Its gonna be tight…
Tackles, fouls and everything…
Pray the Refs get it right!

Rooney, Tevez, Ronaldo,
Red devils are marching on…
Drogba, Lampard, Terry…
Their dream shall be gone!

The glory days of ’99,
Beckon the players today!
Its gonna be a double,
We’re on our way!

Hail United!!!!