Road Rage

Ever had the urge of running down that nincompoop driving ahead of you? Yeah, the one that’s swerving left to right, changing lanes at will, cutting in front of you time and again? Or that ass-wipe in the car next to yours that just won’t put his phone down? No? Like hell you haven’t! Ok, let me rephrase that question for you – ever felt like calling that ass-wipe an ass-wipe? Ever screamed at that nincompoop with the choicest of profanities that only the Hindi language can so beautifully and aptly provide? Still no? Well, in that case, I am sure you’re either that ass-wipe or the nincompoop – so, get off your mobile phone ‘cos I am yelling at YOU!

Road rage is here, and its here to stay. Every individual has a different way of expressing his ‘road rage’! For that matter, even from one city to another, the ways and means that people use for showing road rage are different. Well, that’s obvious considering the diverse nation that we are. Take Mumbai for instance – lots of talk (you’ll hear a lot of the tujha aicha’s), but no action. Now, lets go to Delhi – no / very little talk, loads of action. Delhi, in fact most of north India, that way is infamous for this very facet. The ‘saale ne meri gaadi thoki, main usko thokoonga’ attitude to life. Pune, on the other hand, is a very laidback place – so, our anger expressions are also equally laidback. A little talk with some exaggerated hand gestures, and zero physical contact. I feel that the IT industry has given one important thing to Pune – people may say it’s the increase in number of jobs, some say it’s the improvements in infrastructure, I say if there’s one thing that the IT industry has given Pune, it’s the finger! I don’t know who brought it in, maybe it was the folks from Bangalore, or maybe even the BPO industry, but ‘the finger’ is the single most important thing that the IT industry has brought into Pune. Imagine 10 years from now, nobody would understand what you meant when you showed them the finger. No way! Now, show the finger to even a rickshaw driver, and he’ll know that he’s done something to piss you off. It’s a wonderful gesture really – so much conveyed by just a slight show of the hand. And then there are the subtle variants of the finger – there’s the ‘read between the lines’ gesture. Then, there’s the Italian style which, as Russell Peters rightly pointed out, might mistaken in India for ‘I’m hungry…where’s the buffet?’. Globalization, you better believe it!

Getting back to the topic now. Road rage, according to me, can be categorized into two types. First is the literal kind – where you are actually pissed at the road. This category / condition is peculiar to Pune. The Mumbaikars and the Dilliwaalas are not accustomed to this kind of road rage – so, this category is not that well known. The state and central governments, for that matter, don’t even know that this category exists, let alone deal with it. So, Pune, on its own accord, has been dealing with it in its own way. Try taking a drive between Pune’s answer to the Silicon Valley (Hinjewadi) and Aundh. This road gets repaired religiously every year, only to be screwed up the monsoon after. It’s amazing to see how God’s wrath is concentrated upon this one measly stretch of road, year after year. Nothing that the Pune road contractors do can make this stretch of road survive beyond one monsoon. I wonder who in Aundh (and/or beyond) pissed off the Big Guy that much! Don’t get me wrong, it’s a delightful drive, that is if you have a 4x4 and are willing to do some off-roading with it. But the average Punekar on his trusted Hero Honda Splendour gets mighty aggressive on this stretch. With that angry look on his face – you wouldn’t wanna mess with the guy, at least not till he reaches Pune University and calms down just a tad.

Now, moving to road-rage of the popular kind – getting wild at your fellow citizens for their incorrigible driving skills. To get angry is our birth right, and Goddammit, angry we shall get! Blood pressure and other ailments aside, it’s a good way to let off some steam. Had a bad day at work? Boss not been too kind? Well, drive around the city a little. Your day won’t get any better for sure, but at least you’ll find one unsuspecting shithead at whom you can yell your brains out. I know driving is a stressful exercise – that’s why I take the bus to work! And the annoying dingbats around you don’t make it any less stressful. But, hey, let him cut you off once, let him cut you off twice, let him piss you off that little bit more before the fun starts. Then starts the chase. Will you be able to catch up to him to show off the all American finger (I am guessing its an American thing cos the Brits wouldn’t do that - it just ain’t propah!)? What are you gonna yell out to him? Do you just give him that stern stare? Well, it does depend a lot on the size of the guy who pissed you off too! You don’t go off with the MCs and BCs at a guy who looks like he could carry his car to work! You just give him the slight raise of the hand as if pleading to him, “now did you have to do that in front of my car?”. And the reaction also depends on the gender! Yeah, that sure as hell counts. Let me take a hypothetical situation: the car in front of you does something crazy and you don’t know who’s driving. First reaction of every single person I know is: “woman driver?”. Yeah yeah, ladies! You do it too! Come on, admit it! And the cool thing about women drivers is that they think that all the other women drivers (except them) suck! So, basically, there is only one good woman driver in the world – and she’s the one that you’re talking to at that particular instance about other women drivers!

The only exception in my book who don’t deserve a earful or that stern look or indeed anything are the old timers – they can get away with bad driving (this may just as well be slow driving depending on how late I am for work). Indian culture of showing respect to the elders? Maybe? Or maybe in the back of my mind I think “Ah hell! He doesn’t need to get anywhere soon! Let him be!”.

One thing I’ve noticed is that people who come down from other cities complain no end about driving in Pune. Its fine if you’ve lived all your life in places where people are used to following some basic rules of traffic. But I just can’t comprehend people from Bangalore, Mumbai or Delhi complaining about driving in the city. Ok, I can even excuse Bangalore cos nobody breaks the rules in Bangalore. Well, if one doesn’t move at all, one can’t break traffic rules, now can one? But, Mumbai and Delhi folks, pipe down – you’re just as bad! Your roads might be better than ours, but your driving sure as hell isn’t!

How do you get rid of road rage? What can be the solution? I was watching Harry Potter the other day and wondering. Maybe that’s the solution to our problems. The magic brooms! Bad roads won’t affect you, and you can go anywhere you bloody well feel like. But then it struck me. Imagine all the two-wheelers and rickshaw-drivers in Pune getting their hands around the Nimbus 2000! What a catastrophe that could turn out to be! Right? I think we’re better off driving on the roads, or whatever is left of them!