The Next Gen Green Revolution

‘GO GREEN’ reads almost every flyer, every email, every article, every poster one sees around! Pune being one of the IT hubs, the slogan hits you almost everywhere you look! One can’t even go to the toilet anymore without being reminded of it – Ah! the plush toilets of the Indian IT company! Long gone are the days of “yethe thukku naka”. The employee has cleaned up his act, and the stains and stench of paan no longer rule our world. The company Facilities Department have moved on as well. The “Do not spit here” signs from the toilet have now been replaced by “Do not waste natural resources – preserve paper and water”. May not be the most apt place to put up such a sign, but, what the hell, its not my place to judge! Getting back to the topic, GREEN is the new catch word! GREEN is the colour to be. Envy? Nah, your jealousy can take on another colour – just make it “orange with envy” for all I care! ‘Cos today, GREEN is GOOD! GREEN is IN!

The latest to step on to the green bandwagon are the tea makers. The latest entrant to their wonderful world of fragrances and flavours – Green Tea! What are the two most used catch-phrases today – GREEN and HEALTHY. I mean our generation is obsessed with anything healthy! You could even sell shampoo to that naive ignorant customer if your shampoo had “HEALTHY” stamped on the bottle somewhere! I can just imagine the whole advertising campaign built around this product – Introducing the new improved (that was what advertisers used before ‘green’ and ‘healthy’ burst onto the scene) All Clear Shampoo with jojoba health extracts! Removes dandruff while in your hair, and reduces your body fat while you wash it off.” And just to make that sound a little more convincing, get a Katrina Kaif to prance around in her Shiela avatar! Trust me, your shampoo would sell!

So, the tea makers of Darjeeling (or was it China???) have combined both these catch-phrases and brought in the revolutionary ‘Green Tea’ concept. Its quite the fad right now! Look around! You go to a high tea at your neighbours place, its not just ‘chai’ waiting for you - you are flooded with a barrage of tea bags to choose from. There’s the Darjeeling tea, the lemon and green tea, the green tea and mint, Camomile tea, and my personal favourite (fad name-wise that is), the herbal tea. Reminds me of when my dad once stepped into Starbucks and ordered ‘a coffee’. “What’s that, sir?” :)

Now, it would be fun if someone’s granny (preferably a little hard of hearing) went to one of these soirees…(excuse my Punjabi)…

Granny: Puttar, mainu ik chaa chaidi ae… (Son, I need a cup of tea.)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai? (What tea?)
Granny: Kaunsi chaa? Chaa nahi haigi twaade kol? Dolly ne to sannu chaa de waaste bulaya si! (You don’t have tea? Dolly had called us over for tea!)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai doon aapko? Green tea? (What tea would you like? Green Tea?)
Granny: Khotte…chaa hari kaddon hon lagi??? (Idiot! When did tea become green?)
Servant: Maaji, hara rang nahin hai, green tea type ki chai hai…(the tea isn’t green in colour, its just the type of tea)
Granny: Kiiiiiii??? (Whattttt???)
Servant: Maaji, Camomile tea bhi hai. Woh doon? (We also have Camomile tea, can I offer you that?)
Granny: Oonth di chaa???? (Camel’s tea???)
Servant: Nahin, maaji. Cam-o-mile tea….(No…Cam-o-mile tea)
Granny: Phitte moo. Main tenu oonth vargi lagdi haan!!! Main ghar jaa rahi haan…(Forget it…I look like a camel to you!!! I’m going home!!!”)

Anyway, poor Granny goes back home without any tea, and Dolly aunty’s servant is left perplexed as to why Granny was so pissed off!

So, yeah, Green Tea! We’re all drinking loads of it in the hope that eat what we may, this miracle concoction will not only let us retain our trim waistlines, but also….DRUM ROLLLLLLL…..trim them further! “Bring on the chocolate cake, Maa! And yeah, get me a cup of green tea after!” Sound familiar??? Yes? That was me last night! How did you know - are you stalking me??? Now I know what the Gauls felt like when they drank that magic potion in the Asterix comic books. Who needs the hustle and bustle of gymnasiums…those strenuous workouts…the endless hours running on that boring treadmill like a freakin’ hamster??? All you need is green tea! It helps speed up your metabolism! Met-a-bolism, dude! Faster metabolism! Come on, you can’t go wrong with faster metabolism! That’s what you need to knock off those love handles! Wouldn’t it be wonderful – all the Gold Gyms and Talwalkars of the world getting rid of their heavy machinery and replacing them with tea dispensers! Low on capital investment and guaranteed results! After their hugely successful yoga DVDs, Shilpa and Lara coming out with a whole new series – “Make that perfect cup of tea…let Lara show you how”…or maybe even Arnold coming in for an ad or two showing off his abs (or whatever is left of them now) --- “Theees tea is waandarfool! I’ll be baaack…for some more!”

I wonder how well Twinnings is doing these days? I’m sure their sales figures have never looked better? What say? In a country traditionally obsessed with tea, comes this concept that’s making even the beer drinkers pick up a cup or two a day! Phew! The numbers must be staggering!!!

The Wedding Toast!!!

Starring: Tanveen Dugal and Siddharth Puri
Script: Siddharth Puri and Harish Puri
Direction: Harish Puri

Here's the toast that Tanu and I presented at Puja and Sukh's reception...

Tanu: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen… I’m Tanu, sister of the groom…
Sid: And I’m Siddharth, brother of the bride… As the siblings, Tanu and I have the honour to raise a toast to the lovely couple…
Tanu: We’re glad to have all of you here tonight to grace this wonderful occasion… I know all of you are dying to get onto the dance floor, so we’ll try to keep this short…
Sid: Tanu, there’s a famous saying: “Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a sentence”. I’m sure that all the married folks in the crowd will agree with this…Right??? So, folks…Here we stand tonight, to celebrate this “sentence” for Puja and Sukh…
Tanu: Well, I’ve known the two of them as a couple for quite some time now, and I can’t think of any two people more right or more ready for this journey…or as you put it, this sentence!
Sid: True, I second that thought completely… how long has it been then? 6 years???
Tanu: Yup, 6 years…long time indeed!!! Isn’t it true that a man in love is incomplete until he is married.. ??
Sid: Yeah, and once he’s married, he’s finished!
Tanu: I guess that’s how things work, huh? Folks, for those of you who know Puja and Sukh well, I’m sure you’ll agree that both of them are very different, and often DIFFICULT, individuals.
Sid: And for those of you haven’t had that pleasure, well, I’m sure the wedding invite would have served as a good prelude…
Tanu: As the invite so rightly says, together they just seem to ‘fit’! Seeing these two come together has been a joy to watch…
Sid: Frankly, I think over the years they’ve just developed a mechanism to not get on each other’s nerves that often…
Tanu: Correct! They complement each other so well – two different and imperfect people forming a perfect couple. What say?
Sid: Right! Like how Sukh is a recluse, a reserved guy so-to-speak…and Puja is an out-and-out extrovert…
Tanu: Yeah, or like how Sukh loves to do his laundry, while Puja is fascinated by the dishwasher…
Sid: Like how she loves to do touristy stuff when she travels, and how he’d rather just sit at a Starbucks sipping his coffee!
Tanu: Or like how Puja is amazing with kids, and how Sukh still is one!
Sid: Yup, the list is long! And although they may be opposites in many ways, they are quite alike too, you know…
Tanu: Oh yeah! That list is long too…like how they’re both gadget freaks?! Be it the MacBook, the ipad, the iphone, the kindle…PHEW! You name it!
Sid: Or like the number of toiletries that each of them possesses! I mean being metrosexual is one thing, Sukh. But, come on, you’re 2 products short of having your own show in Vegas!
Tanu: And their craze for watching movies…and going to the theatre more for the nachos and pop-corn rather than the movie itself!
Sid: Or like how they worship Steve Jobs…
Tanu: or how they just love to shop…
Sid: or being self-proclaimed nerds…and being damn proud of it!
Tanu: Yup, at the risk of sounding clichéd, they do ‘complete’ each other! Sid, don’t they say marriages are made in heaven?
Sid: Sure! As are thunder and lightning!!…
Tanu: Haha.. Well, marriage!! Coming home every evening to a little love, a little caring, a little tenderness.. What does that sound like, Sid??
Sid: Sounds like you’ve come to the wrong house!! Folks, here’s to Sukh – a man who keeps his head although he loses his heart..
Tanu: And here’s to Puja – may she share everything with her husband – including the housework!!!
Sid: Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love,
Tanu: And they blossom when we love the one we married...
Sid: Here’s to the prettiest
Tanu: Here’s to the wittiest
Sid: Here’s to the neatest
Tanu: Here’s to the sweetest
Sid: Here’s to Puja and Sukh – the truest of the true..
Tanu: May your destination be your destiny..
Sid: Cheers!!!

In’advert’ently Annoying!!!

I was watching the India – South Africa test match last night and realized how ‘in-your-face’ advertising has really become! As far back as I can remember, advertisements used to be shown during cricket matches between two overs while the captain of the fielding side decided which bowler he would bring on next, had a quick chat with his vice captain on strategy for the batsman on strike, and set the field accordingly. Advertisers got a slightly longer slot during the drinks break or when someone got out. This has completely changed! Now, advertisements hit you between two overs, between two deliveries and even during the deliveries for crying out loud! Its annoying as hell!!! It started with “cover the bottom half of the screen” approach that the cablewaalas of yesteryear used to employ for selling Rupa underwear or jalebis from the neighbourhood Agarwal sweets. Remember that? Shah Rukh Khan doing his song and dance routine, when suddenly out of nowhere comes this wide variety of underwear bouncing onto the screen!!! Then came the inserts with a tiger appearing on the screen cheering every boundary that was scored. Next was the turn of the more hi-tech picture-in-picture kind of advertising. Here, the sports screen shrinks to about three fourths of its size, with advertisers using a quarter of the screen for shoving some inane brand name into our homes! As if that wasn’t enough, now is the age of holographic images being imposed onto some part of the cricket field. Like yesterday, there was Zaheer bowling to Greame Smith, with Dhoni and the slip fielders looking on in rapt attention hoping for a nick to come their way. I too was glued to the TV screen lest my lapse in concentration make India drop a catch or something. Then right at Dhoni’s feet comes this signage in blue saying ‘Samvedna’ (or something of that sort). Smith drives Zaheer straight down the pitch and you see ‘Voltas’ displayed around the 30 yard line! Next ball that Zaheer goes to bowl, its some other brand at Dhoni’s feet! I think the Indian advertisers / broadcasters saw this happening during one of the EPL games being aired on TV and decided to take it to the next level! Rather than just at the beginning of the match as is done in the EPL and the likes, they must’ve said, why not just use every minute of the 5 day test match to advertise something???

An advertiser probably thought that for a change people are watching these test matches, and thanks to the recession I can’t afford air time during the more popular versions of the game – the T20s and ODIs. So, why not just use the test series to spread the word about my revolutionary new product? What better way to welcome Laxman’s free flow of runs than with my constipation-ending isabgol being displayed on air? Or what better way to celebrate Bhajji’s 7 wicket haul than filling the TV screens with Pappu Pagadis (turbans)? The broadcasters, of course, are more than happy to oblige – at the right cost! While they make tons of money, I suppose they seem to have forgotten all about the poor TV viewers in the process. I understand that getting broadcasting rights these days for any sporting event is a painful and costly affair considering the number of sports channels that we have today. But, spare a thought for the viewers. When I see a cricket match, I want to see it without any interruptions. How irritated do we get when someone walks across the screen just when the bowler is about to bowl? Now, aren’t the broadcasters doing the exact same thing – these advertisements are that fat Punjabi aunt coming between you and the cricket every single ball of the match!!!

I know that sponsors are essential for broadening the popularity of any sport – pump in the money, generate interest, get more people involved in the sport etc. etc. etc. But, where do we draw the line between healthy advertising that one appreciates and the shove-it-down-someone’s-throat kind? Does this happen only in the sub-continent, I wonder? Or is it equally annoying for the Lords at Westchester when they watch the Ashes on TV? I suppose not! Is our tolerance level higher? I think not – I get irritated when these ads cover half my TV screen!!! Or are the broadcasters just taking our Indian ‘chalta hai’ attitude for granted??? I think this is it! Just like we all got used to the buzzing sounds of the vuvuzela during the Football World Cup, the broadcasters must feel we’ll just get used to these advertisements as well. So, how do we get rid of these pesky advertisers from ruining our cricket viewing experience? Suggestions please!!!! One immediate way is to switch to the high definition channels from the Tata Skies and the Airtels – no ads. Period. Problem 1 with that approach is that not all channels have the HD version that we can switch to. Problem 2 is affordability. While you and I can still pay for this ‘premium service’ (I can’t believe no ads is what qualifies for premium service these days!), not all people can.

I can almost imagine sports-viewing in India about 5 years from now. Ads creeping into every sporting spectacle that we watch. Brands associating themselves with certain players – not by paying them for becoming brand ambassadors, but by sheer timing of the ads coming on when these players are on screen. Some examples that spring to mind immediately are:
1. Rafael Nadal – VIP underwear ads; Tagline – Ab adjust karne ki zaroorat nahin!
2. Tiger Woods – Sharma Driving School; Tagline – Gaadi bhagayein, magar pedh par nahin!
3. John Terry – Community Matrimony.com; Tagline – Aisi jodi banaye ki baaju wale ki biwi pe nazar hi na jaaye!
4. Serena Williams – Rambo Gym; Tagline – Asli pehelvanon ki pasand!
5. Andrew Symmonds – Bandar Chaap Agarbatti – no tagline required here 
6. Zinedine Zidane (well, I know he’s retired, but just couldn’t resist this) – Navratna Tel; Tagline – Thanda thanda cool cool – laal tel jo aapko laal card se duur rakhe!

In fact, if they extended this to the other channels, there are huge revenues to be had for TV channels broadcasting latest / popular movies, or even the news for that matter. Imagine the ads here:
1. Pamela Anderson comes on screen in a wet T-shirt and pop comes the ad for Asian Paints with their tagline: “Reverse the effect of water on your walls with Silicon”…I’m sure this would be far more convincing than the ad they have on air right now with the kids splashing water all over the place. By the way, I’m still confused how silicon in the paint helps walls to repel water?!?!?!
2. Sarah Palin comes on some feature on CNBC, and the Idea mobile number portability ad comes on the side of the screen – No idea? Get Idea!!!

But yeah, the point remains – where are we headed with this intrusive advertising that’s ruining the joy of sports?!?!?! Although we can’t get away from advertising altogether, how can we keep it under control, and not let advertisers invade our lives?!?!