Freedom of Speech

DISCLAIMER: All the contents mentioned below are fictional. Any resemblance, and I mean ANY RESEMBLANCE, however stark, is not intentional and purely coincidental.

India strongly believes in freedom of speech…as long as nobody can hear you, of course! Don’t believe me? When was the last time you actually voiced an opinion in a crowded restaurant without looking over your shoulder afraid that some fanatic from some political party or your neighbourhood goon, or well, that burly looking dude sitting in the corner of the room, might just come and whack the living daylights out of you? Come on, be honest!

Ok, let’s take a PURELY HYPOTHETICAL situation here. One of our mantris wakes up one fine day, somewhere in Bombay (whoops…I mean Mumbai!!!) and finds out that the daughter of his second cousin’s wife’s brother staying somewhere in the plush locales of Bandra has caught malaria. Ok, wait. Let me play it safe(r). Let’s just say she has the chicken pox! And coincidently, Mr. Mantri’s faithful servant, Muttu (hailing from sandy beaches of Kerala) calls in and wants leave. Reason for leave: His daughter has the chicken pox. Now, Mr. Mantri has excellent skills of deduction – he has practically read all the Sherlock Holmes books and seen most of the episodes of the carrot-chomping Karamchand on TV. So, Mr. Mantri calls his right hand man, Aditya Puntambekar. “Its elementary, my dear Puntya! These bloody south Indians have brought malariaaaaaaaaaa…I mean chicken pox to Mumbai!!! Get the news channels together, I want to make a public statement.” A public statement is duly made, and poor Muttu, and his entire clan come under the scanner once again!

Now, as an educated Indian, or why educated even – as an Indian, you feel for poor Muttu and his clan! You do love the little idli-sambhar joints that you frequent on Sunday mornings. Not that you’re betraying the wada-pav of Mumbai in any way, but you do need a change once in a while and kaande-pohe just wouldn’t cut it! So, you read the newspaper and come across this piece of news…”South Indians responsible for bringing chicken pox to Mumbai”…what do you do? Do you gather a crowd and go to Mr. Mantri’s house to hold a protest? Do you introduce him to the wonderful world of Google search where he can verify the causes of chicken pox before making a public statement? Do you sponsor his primary education? Hell No! You just utter a couple of profanities (in your head, mind you) and turn over to the Sports Section! Correct? That’s what I’d do, honestly! Of course, there’ll be public statements from the other party leaders tomorrow morning – let them deal with it! They do need a fresh new topic to come back in the news, don’t they?

Let’s get back to the topic of discussion now. I’m not professing anything here, far from it! I’m not saying that I would have done anything different. I’m just saying that this whole BS of freedom of speech is over-rated, and simply DOES NOT EXIST. According to me, you can speak your mind in only 5 cases:
A. Only your very close friends can hear you, and another condition that goes with this is that you know who your close friends are, of course!
B. You’re talking about something nobody would take offense to – say, football. Not if you’re talking about cricket, be warned, you might piss someone off!
C. Anonymity – if nobody knows who you are, you’re ok! Through your blog that nobody reads (pretty similar to this one right here), articles etc. etc. etc.
D. You’re clinically insane
E. You’re Tony Stark with a shit load of weapons and an Iron Man suit in your closet!

That’s about it! Anyone who tells you any different is either not being honest, or should get himself checked up for point D above.

Another thing I don’t get is how come we’ve become so sensitive all of a sudden? And to make things worse, India is a secular country, with a zillion type of people that you could so easily piss off by your actions or reactions! No, am not saying being secular is bad, I’m all for it – its one thing that defines India…all I’m just saying is that it adds to the whole confusion.

There was a forward I got some years back from a friend about 3 reasons why Jesus is a Parsi? You want to know why, don’t you?? J ah well, ok, let me just get that out of the way. 3 reasons why Jesus was a Parsi are:
1. He was 30 and lived with his parents (at the time I received this joke, I was 21-22…am turning 30 next yr and I am still staying with my parents…but that’s besides the point.)
2. He thought his mother was a virgin
3. His mother thought he was God!
For all my Christian pals, I know you’re laughing inside, so don’t act all smug! For the others who got offended by the joke, ah, screw you!

So getting back to the point – why have we suddenly become so damn sensitive about everything? An actress says pre-marital sex is not a big deal, and she is made to apologize publicly and comes up with “Oh! my statement was taken out of context!”. I really wonder what the context was, but we’ll save that for another day! A guy wants to smoke on screen, not possible any more, mister! An Indian sports icon says he’s an Indian first and then a Maharashtrian, no sir…nothing doing, we won’t have it!

Not far is the day when the Parsis will feel bad about bawa jokes, or even being referred to as ‘bawa’! I can already see it…they’ll turn into how the African Americans are in US, and how only they are allowed to address each other with the ‘N’ word! It’ll be like only Sharome can call Rhyzard a ‘bawa’…but lord help a Siddharth if he tries!

Its 2010, and India is one of the fastest growing economies in the world. One would think we’d all be too busy to give a crap! Right???