Never a dull moment in Indian politics, is there? Just when the whole Jan Lokpal bill furore was starting to die down, comes Harvinder Singh’s claim to fame - the Sharad Pawar slap episode! Although the incident lasted for all of 15 seconds, it felt a lot longer with the media going on and on about it. Reactions coming in from every political party from every little nook and corner in the country! Facebook and Twitter were buzzing with the Sikh’s heroics. The aam junta just went wild that, finally, someone had the guts to do this!
I think the funniest reaction came from the man of the moment in Indian politics – Anna Hazare. His reaction on hearing this news was, “Acha! Ek hi maara?”. For me, that was a candid and humourous comment, and should’ve been left at that! But, would we ever be able to do that? Arnab Goswami, the irritating loudmouth that he is, goes about cornering a pro-Anna politico about what Anna actually meant? Did the Gandhian now support violence? I mean, really? What’s worse is that Hazare comes out with a “formal statement” to salvage the whole situation! Come on, man! So, you have a sense of humour – be proud of it!
Sure, Hazare is a man that a lot of Indians now look up to as their idol. “Young, impressionable minds regard him as a person they would want to emulate. What path was he leading these young minds on?” Well, a path of sarcasm with a dash of wit? What’s wrong with that? For me, that was one positive from Team Anna after all the hoopla about Kiran Bedi and her infamous flight tickets, or Kejriwal with his tax evasion. I think they should’ve used this to get some positive mileage out of the whole episode! Something like “Team Anna may be corrupt, but they still have their sense of humour!”
Then there was the Chamaat Song. I’m not sure how many of you must have seen this. But if you haven’t, you should definitely give this one a look. It is a spoof on the Tamil song - Kolaveri Di, with Harvinder and Pawar dishing out a fairly decent rendition. Youtube it – now!
Like I have said in some of my earlier posts, we Indians have become far too sensitive about everything. Imagine a political leader, a highly corrupt one at that, getting slapped in Delhi and buses getting their windshields smashed in all the way in Pune. Road blocks and traffic jams in Bombay. Protests all across Maharashtra. The only good thing for us bored office-goers was that they demanded for a bundh in Pune the next day. Not that they succeeded in closing down the Pune IT world, but for that brief moment of hearing the news, we were all overjoyed. Immediate thought that crosses my mind – when does someone slap Kalmadi now?
Monday, December 05, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Three Tyred Tyranny
I still remember the good old days when you could just step into a rickshaw and tell the driver where you wanted to go. There was no fuss, and he would just take you wherever you desired. You didn’t need to check with the rickshaw guy if he would be kind enough to take you there. Every year, when we landed in Pune for our summer vacations, my dad would proudly go, “See, this is the beauty of Pune! Do you get this kind of royal treatment in any other city in India?”. Try doing that now, Dad!
Today, you’d be much better off taking your own car to go where you need to, for if you have the misfortune of being dependent on an auto-rickshaw, you might as well not go out at all! I’m sure all of us have horror stories about rickshaw experiences in different cities in India. From what I’ve heard, the worst of the lot are in Chennai and somehow nobody seems to have anything bad to say about the Mumbai rickshaws. Pune has its fair share of the stubborn, arrogant and perennially angry variety.
Over the years, we have all surrendered to the fact that you will never ride in the first empty auto you see. In fact, I’m sure that in some IIT somewhere there are brilliant minds at work trying to come up with an algorithm on how many rickshaw guys one needs to ask before getting a ride home. The dynamics of the whole thing would be quite mind-boggling. Off the top of my non-IIT head, the algorithm would probably account for the distance one needs to travel, grouch quotient of the average rickshaw driver (by city), the precipitation factor and a weightage factor for how badly one needs a rickshaw at the time.
What annoys me most though is the expression that you get from these guys when you don’t want to go where they want you to. Yes, that’s what it’s come down to, people. The rickshaw guys have their chosen ‘areas’ that they will shuttle between, and if you don’t want to go to their area, get ready for the most condescending look you ever would expect to see, from a complete stranger anyway! It’s like you’re asking Ratan Tata to take you to the middle of Dharavi in a newly acquired Jaguar. First time it happened to me, I almost explained to the guy that Pudumjee Park was, in fact, an up-market locality.
If it’s not the snide condescending look, it’s the ‘ask for the moon’ approach! Am sure you’ve faced this one as well:
Me: Bhaiyya, Pudumjee Park?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: Huh? How much?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: I don’t want to go via Mumbai. How much will you take to go straight to Pudumjee Park?
I mean, it’ll either be an astronomical figure that he’s plucked out of thin air with no logic whatsoever, or just to tick you off, he’ll go “acha baitho” and like the fine print in a newspaper ad, he’ll whisper off the side of his mouth “half return”. Half return…in the middle of the friggin’ day!
Not sure why services in India, in general, have gone to the dogs but this auto nexus is becoming a growing pain for the Punekars. Then you have the radio channels going on and on about the rights of rickshaw drivers, and how we should feel bad about them because of the rising fuel prices etc. But considering the attitude of the average Pune rickshaw driver, I somehow just don’t feel bad for them! Sure, you’ll meet an exception every once in a while. A rickshaw guy who didn’t contort his face at the sound of Pudumjee Park; or the guy who would just take you wherever you wanted to without bringing up “half return”; or that guy who dropped you free of charge to the nearest place on his route because he could not drop you all the way to MG Road. We definitely need a whole lot more of these exceptions though!
Today, you’d be much better off taking your own car to go where you need to, for if you have the misfortune of being dependent on an auto-rickshaw, you might as well not go out at all! I’m sure all of us have horror stories about rickshaw experiences in different cities in India. From what I’ve heard, the worst of the lot are in Chennai and somehow nobody seems to have anything bad to say about the Mumbai rickshaws. Pune has its fair share of the stubborn, arrogant and perennially angry variety.
Over the years, we have all surrendered to the fact that you will never ride in the first empty auto you see. In fact, I’m sure that in some IIT somewhere there are brilliant minds at work trying to come up with an algorithm on how many rickshaw guys one needs to ask before getting a ride home. The dynamics of the whole thing would be quite mind-boggling. Off the top of my non-IIT head, the algorithm would probably account for the distance one needs to travel, grouch quotient of the average rickshaw driver (by city), the precipitation factor and a weightage factor for how badly one needs a rickshaw at the time.
What annoys me most though is the expression that you get from these guys when you don’t want to go where they want you to. Yes, that’s what it’s come down to, people. The rickshaw guys have their chosen ‘areas’ that they will shuttle between, and if you don’t want to go to their area, get ready for the most condescending look you ever would expect to see, from a complete stranger anyway! It’s like you’re asking Ratan Tata to take you to the middle of Dharavi in a newly acquired Jaguar. First time it happened to me, I almost explained to the guy that Pudumjee Park was, in fact, an up-market locality.
If it’s not the snide condescending look, it’s the ‘ask for the moon’ approach! Am sure you’ve faced this one as well:
Me: Bhaiyya, Pudumjee Park?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: Huh? How much?
Auto guy: 200 rupees
Me: I don’t want to go via Mumbai. How much will you take to go straight to Pudumjee Park?
I mean, it’ll either be an astronomical figure that he’s plucked out of thin air with no logic whatsoever, or just to tick you off, he’ll go “acha baitho” and like the fine print in a newspaper ad, he’ll whisper off the side of his mouth “half return”. Half return…in the middle of the friggin’ day!
Not sure why services in India, in general, have gone to the dogs but this auto nexus is becoming a growing pain for the Punekars. Then you have the radio channels going on and on about the rights of rickshaw drivers, and how we should feel bad about them because of the rising fuel prices etc. But considering the attitude of the average Pune rickshaw driver, I somehow just don’t feel bad for them! Sure, you’ll meet an exception every once in a while. A rickshaw guy who didn’t contort his face at the sound of Pudumjee Park; or the guy who would just take you wherever you wanted to without bringing up “half return”; or that guy who dropped you free of charge to the nearest place on his route because he could not drop you all the way to MG Road. We definitely need a whole lot more of these exceptions though!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Ahhh...Religion!
Religion. A thing that brings the masses together. A thing that tears the masses apart. A thing that transforms the calm to the irate; the rational to the inane; the neutral to the extreme. All in an instant.
I feel religion is rather over-rated. Do you really need it? No good has ever come off it! Of course there are the obvious disadvantages - the religious disagreements, the fights, the riots. But, let’s steer away from those for a minute and look at the sheer nuisance value that comes with living in a multi-religion nation. Just simple everyday things...
Driving: Have you ever noticed how people from different religions tend to drive differently? Sure, we’ve heard jokes about the bad Pune traffic, but, take a moment to observe the driving styles of different people. Two examples: Muslims and the Sikhs.
- Muslims drive like minority rights and rules apply even for driving on the road. Have you ever observed that? Aggressive and insane with the “I must go first. By the praise of Allah, I’ve earned it!” attitude.
- Sikhs drive with pretty much the same attitude that they live their lives. Do now, think later. Or better yet, “What’s to think, yaar? Just do!”
Public Hullaballoo: This annoys me no end. I don’t think there’s another country in the world where you can block the road with a procession at any time you bloody well feel like, or a country where you have so many processions to begin with. Secularism zindabad, but really, if there’s not a religious procession on, it will be a marriage baaraat clogging up the already narrow roads. So, yes, religion and marriage – imagine that – two things that are screwing the world over! But, whom can we blame anyway? We Hindus have hundreds of Gods that we prey to, which amounts to thousands of ‘auspicious dates’ that we MUST celebrate. Add to that, the huge Indian population, and what do you get? Millions of processions! Millions of traffic jams!
Peer Pressure: All religions come with certain stereotypes. These aren’t all bad, but they do tend to add a bit of peer pressure on us lowly humans. Case in point, the Christian community. You are invited to a Christian party and what is the first thing that comes to your mind? You expect that one of the guys will whip out a guitar and the whole gang will start belting out Elvis Presley songs till the wee hours of the morning. Right? Imagine the amount of pressure that kind of expectation puts on a poor Jessel Lobo that doesn’t know how to strum a guitar to save his life!
Marriage: I’m guessing this qualifies under the obvious, but, I’ll still talk about it! Well, I’ll talk about it because marriage is the only thing I could think of to get our beloved Parsi community into the fray – talk about stereotypes, huh! Yeah, we’ve heard all the jokes, we know them all. But, somehow any joke on the dwindling Parsi community and their “thy shall not marry a non-Parsi” regime still manages to crack me up! The small sweet little Parsi community is shrinking by the generation. As the options for the Parsi eligible become, well, really ineligible, I hope they snap out of the inbreeding concept and seriously explore the option of expanding their gene pool!
Praying Out Loud: I believe that religion should be in one’s mind – you really don’t need to tell the world about it. Unfortunately, in India, the saying should really be, “I’m religious and I’m going to shout it out loud from the mountain tops”, rather than the romantic version of the phrase. For if you shout out “I’m in love” from the mountain tops, chances are that you’ll get bashed up by some Shiv Sena goon that couldn’t get lucky on Valentine Day. On a bad day, and I’m not exaggerating, a mere 1 km walk through the streets of Pune can get you blared at by loud speakers from a mosque, a temple, a marriage band and a procession.
So, how many of you agree that religion is unnecessary? You can come to me with “I’m not religious, I just know there is someone watching over me” bit, and I’ll take that. I’m sure there’ll be those who will come at me with “you can’t generalize all this…BASTARD!” I don’t mean to generalize either. But, by and large, that’s how it is, isn’t it? I don’t mean to hurt anybody’s religious sentiments here. Although, what about the sentiments of the non-religious? Nobody seems to care about that!
In the end, I'd just like to say:
Trust me when I say this…
All religions need to be shaken…
The world would be a better place…
If everyone just ate bacon!
I feel religion is rather over-rated. Do you really need it? No good has ever come off it! Of course there are the obvious disadvantages - the religious disagreements, the fights, the riots. But, let’s steer away from those for a minute and look at the sheer nuisance value that comes with living in a multi-religion nation. Just simple everyday things...
Driving: Have you ever noticed how people from different religions tend to drive differently? Sure, we’ve heard jokes about the bad Pune traffic, but, take a moment to observe the driving styles of different people. Two examples: Muslims and the Sikhs.
- Muslims drive like minority rights and rules apply even for driving on the road. Have you ever observed that? Aggressive and insane with the “I must go first. By the praise of Allah, I’ve earned it!” attitude.
- Sikhs drive with pretty much the same attitude that they live their lives. Do now, think later. Or better yet, “What’s to think, yaar? Just do!”
Public Hullaballoo: This annoys me no end. I don’t think there’s another country in the world where you can block the road with a procession at any time you bloody well feel like, or a country where you have so many processions to begin with. Secularism zindabad, but really, if there’s not a religious procession on, it will be a marriage baaraat clogging up the already narrow roads. So, yes, religion and marriage – imagine that – two things that are screwing the world over! But, whom can we blame anyway? We Hindus have hundreds of Gods that we prey to, which amounts to thousands of ‘auspicious dates’ that we MUST celebrate. Add to that, the huge Indian population, and what do you get? Millions of processions! Millions of traffic jams!
Peer Pressure: All religions come with certain stereotypes. These aren’t all bad, but they do tend to add a bit of peer pressure on us lowly humans. Case in point, the Christian community. You are invited to a Christian party and what is the first thing that comes to your mind? You expect that one of the guys will whip out a guitar and the whole gang will start belting out Elvis Presley songs till the wee hours of the morning. Right? Imagine the amount of pressure that kind of expectation puts on a poor Jessel Lobo that doesn’t know how to strum a guitar to save his life!
Marriage: I’m guessing this qualifies under the obvious, but, I’ll still talk about it! Well, I’ll talk about it because marriage is the only thing I could think of to get our beloved Parsi community into the fray – talk about stereotypes, huh! Yeah, we’ve heard all the jokes, we know them all. But, somehow any joke on the dwindling Parsi community and their “thy shall not marry a non-Parsi” regime still manages to crack me up! The small sweet little Parsi community is shrinking by the generation. As the options for the Parsi eligible become, well, really ineligible, I hope they snap out of the inbreeding concept and seriously explore the option of expanding their gene pool!
Praying Out Loud: I believe that religion should be in one’s mind – you really don’t need to tell the world about it. Unfortunately, in India, the saying should really be, “I’m religious and I’m going to shout it out loud from the mountain tops”, rather than the romantic version of the phrase. For if you shout out “I’m in love” from the mountain tops, chances are that you’ll get bashed up by some Shiv Sena goon that couldn’t get lucky on Valentine Day. On a bad day, and I’m not exaggerating, a mere 1 km walk through the streets of Pune can get you blared at by loud speakers from a mosque, a temple, a marriage band and a procession.
So, how many of you agree that religion is unnecessary? You can come to me with “I’m not religious, I just know there is someone watching over me” bit, and I’ll take that. I’m sure there’ll be those who will come at me with “you can’t generalize all this…BASTARD!” I don’t mean to generalize either. But, by and large, that’s how it is, isn’t it? I don’t mean to hurt anybody’s religious sentiments here. Although, what about the sentiments of the non-religious? Nobody seems to care about that!
In the end, I'd just like to say:
Trust me when I say this…
All religions need to be shaken…
The world would be a better place…
If everyone just ate bacon!
Monday, August 01, 2011
Movies Can(nes) Fool You!
If you have read any of my earlier blogs, you will know that I am not very artistically inclined. Actually, ‘creatively daft’ would be more apt! Never been a patron of the arts; nor an avid museum-goer; and the only reason I would’ve ever stepped into an art gallery on my own accord would’ve probably been to use their washroom! Naturally, this line of thought has also trickled down into my choice of movies over the years. Hang on! The words ‘washroom’ and ‘trickled down’ used so close together was just a co-incidence – didn’t mean anything by it! Honest!
So, getting back to the topic then - movies! I have always been a fan of two genres – action (and when I say action, it includes any movie even remotely connected to the defence forces) and comedy. In fact, if you could combine the two genres, nothing like it! Animated movies, too, are a big hit with me! My Cousin Vinny, Top Gun, Die Hard, Oscar, The Incredibles, Hot Shots…these are some of the movies I have watched over and over. I am not saying that my movie watching is restricted to these genres though - more often than not, I end up watching any inane junk that the multiplexes in town dare to screen.
Sure, I also do my fair share of serious cinema. Shawshank Redemption counts as serious cinema, doesn’t it? But, don’t expect me to come out of an artsy-partsy movie saying, “I didn’t quite understand what the fuss was all about, but the cinematography was superb!”. Come to think of it, that is exactly what I would say if I was talking to an artsy movie enthusiast and wanted to get my point on “what the fuss was all about” across without sounding overly-critical (or from his point of view, a complete retard!). For me, you can make a visually brilliant movie, with all the right camera angles, soft picture settings, the works. But, if I don’t get the story, I don’t like the movie. Period!
Take the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona for instance. How many of you have seen this Woody Allen flick? I can safely say that 85% of the guys just went for the Scarlett Johanson – Penelope Cruz scene! The jury is still out on what the other 15% were there for – I will get back to you on that! And no, women are no better. Ladies, I have two words for you - Javier Bardem! Frankly, to me, the man looks like he is a step or two behind in the evolution process. But, as they say, to each his (or in this case, her) own! Bottom line is, I went in for the movie, enjoyed the onscreen chemistry - between Scarlett and Penelope of course - and came out wondering, “what was the point of the movie again?”. To top it off, the guy sitting behind us says to his friend, “yaar, yeh Vicky aur Cristina to pata chala, but picture mein Barcelona kaun thi?”- priceless!
So, there, I said it! I did not like a Woody Allen movie - you might call it blasphemy; you might even call it lack of culture – I don’t care. Then there is this other movie called ‘Midnight in Paris’ which my sister saw a couple of weeks back. Just an FYI, her inkling towards artsy movies is probably just as good/bad as mine. So, she saw the movie, and apparently, it bored her to death. So, that’s 2-in-2 against Woody Allen for me at this point of time. However, knowing that he is one of Hollywood’s greatest, I shall keep an open mind – if someone wants to recommend a genuinely good Woody Allen movie to me, I’m up for giving it a shot!
Just yesterday, I went for ‘Tree of Life’ starring Brad Pitt and Sean Penn – Best Film at Cannes. Sounded impressive all around, and we were really looking forward to seeing this one. The entire audience went into a state of trance as the plot unfolded. Some of the folks around us were in such a deep trance that they actually looked like they had fallen asleep. No, it couldn’t be! The Best Film at Cannes – it had to be a trance. Frankly speaking, the movie was brilliantly shot. I’m positive that nothing even on Discovery HD could beat some of the shots we saw here. Everyone stared in awe. After a while though, in a rather combined reaction across the theatre, there was a feeling of “why are we watching Discovery channel?”. Yes, it usually takes just one comment from that loudmouth next to you to shatter the illusion of brilliance. That’s what happened, and the ripple carried across the theatre.
The movie ends and we have that long, pensive walk back to the parking lot. You know the kind where you are not entirely sure on whether you liked the movie, hated it or just didn’t understand it! Then starts the discussion about what the other person felt about the movie, where you prod ever-so-gently to ascertain whether you were the only doofus who didn’t understand the movie! Thankfully, that didn’t happen here – both of us were equally confused, walking out with perplexed looks on our faces. Did we miss a trick or two in there? How much did we miss in those first two minutes because we were late?
So, yes, my point to the movie makers is this. By all means, make complicated movies with multi-layered plots, much like Leonardo Di Caprio’s Inception. Make the audiences think. Leave that something out of the final scene that will make us go, hmmmmm…what must have finally happened? Let our imaginations do some work as well. You are the creative ones, and creative you should be! But, at the end of the day, just think to yourself -“what was the point of this movie?”. If you can answer that without batting an eyelid, you’re ok. If you are a little confused about the response after seeing the final edit, get a second opinion. If you have no clue whatsoever, well, you’ve got a Cannes winner on your hands – do not change a scene!
So, getting back to the topic then - movies! I have always been a fan of two genres – action (and when I say action, it includes any movie even remotely connected to the defence forces) and comedy. In fact, if you could combine the two genres, nothing like it! Animated movies, too, are a big hit with me! My Cousin Vinny, Top Gun, Die Hard, Oscar, The Incredibles, Hot Shots…these are some of the movies I have watched over and over. I am not saying that my movie watching is restricted to these genres though - more often than not, I end up watching any inane junk that the multiplexes in town dare to screen.
Sure, I also do my fair share of serious cinema. Shawshank Redemption counts as serious cinema, doesn’t it? But, don’t expect me to come out of an artsy-partsy movie saying, “I didn’t quite understand what the fuss was all about, but the cinematography was superb!”. Come to think of it, that is exactly what I would say if I was talking to an artsy movie enthusiast and wanted to get my point on “what the fuss was all about” across without sounding overly-critical (or from his point of view, a complete retard!). For me, you can make a visually brilliant movie, with all the right camera angles, soft picture settings, the works. But, if I don’t get the story, I don’t like the movie. Period!
Take the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona for instance. How many of you have seen this Woody Allen flick? I can safely say that 85% of the guys just went for the Scarlett Johanson – Penelope Cruz scene! The jury is still out on what the other 15% were there for – I will get back to you on that! And no, women are no better. Ladies, I have two words for you - Javier Bardem! Frankly, to me, the man looks like he is a step or two behind in the evolution process. But, as they say, to each his (or in this case, her) own! Bottom line is, I went in for the movie, enjoyed the onscreen chemistry - between Scarlett and Penelope of course - and came out wondering, “what was the point of the movie again?”. To top it off, the guy sitting behind us says to his friend, “yaar, yeh Vicky aur Cristina to pata chala, but picture mein Barcelona kaun thi?”- priceless!
So, there, I said it! I did not like a Woody Allen movie - you might call it blasphemy; you might even call it lack of culture – I don’t care. Then there is this other movie called ‘Midnight in Paris’ which my sister saw a couple of weeks back. Just an FYI, her inkling towards artsy movies is probably just as good/bad as mine. So, she saw the movie, and apparently, it bored her to death. So, that’s 2-in-2 against Woody Allen for me at this point of time. However, knowing that he is one of Hollywood’s greatest, I shall keep an open mind – if someone wants to recommend a genuinely good Woody Allen movie to me, I’m up for giving it a shot!
Just yesterday, I went for ‘Tree of Life’ starring Brad Pitt and Sean Penn – Best Film at Cannes. Sounded impressive all around, and we were really looking forward to seeing this one. The entire audience went into a state of trance as the plot unfolded. Some of the folks around us were in such a deep trance that they actually looked like they had fallen asleep. No, it couldn’t be! The Best Film at Cannes – it had to be a trance. Frankly speaking, the movie was brilliantly shot. I’m positive that nothing even on Discovery HD could beat some of the shots we saw here. Everyone stared in awe. After a while though, in a rather combined reaction across the theatre, there was a feeling of “why are we watching Discovery channel?”. Yes, it usually takes just one comment from that loudmouth next to you to shatter the illusion of brilliance. That’s what happened, and the ripple carried across the theatre.
The movie ends and we have that long, pensive walk back to the parking lot. You know the kind where you are not entirely sure on whether you liked the movie, hated it or just didn’t understand it! Then starts the discussion about what the other person felt about the movie, where you prod ever-so-gently to ascertain whether you were the only doofus who didn’t understand the movie! Thankfully, that didn’t happen here – both of us were equally confused, walking out with perplexed looks on our faces. Did we miss a trick or two in there? How much did we miss in those first two minutes because we were late?
So, yes, my point to the movie makers is this. By all means, make complicated movies with multi-layered plots, much like Leonardo Di Caprio’s Inception. Make the audiences think. Leave that something out of the final scene that will make us go, hmmmmm…what must have finally happened? Let our imaginations do some work as well. You are the creative ones, and creative you should be! But, at the end of the day, just think to yourself -“what was the point of this movie?”. If you can answer that without batting an eyelid, you’re ok. If you are a little confused about the response after seeing the final edit, get a second opinion. If you have no clue whatsoever, well, you’ve got a Cannes winner on your hands – do not change a scene!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Has Manmohan Singh become the Sachin Tendulkar of Indian Politics?
Sachin Tendulkar - arguably the greatest batsman in the world…EVER! There is no cricketing record that the Little Master has not bludgeoned. One century away from 100 international hundreds – PHEW! The man’s a genius! Whether its his trademark straight drive, or the effortless leg glances, or even the cheeky T20 stuff he has been belting out lately – the guy’s batting has class written all over it. One thing, however, that has been missing from his repertoire is being a successful captain of the Indian Cricket team.
One might say that he redeemed himself somewhat while leading the Mumbai Indians in IPL. But, we don’t really count T20 in the same league as the longer versions of the game, now do we? Besides, even in the T20s, Sachin’s captaincy was never really awe-inspiring. Nothing even remotely as awe-inspiring as his batting anyway! So, the point is that while we consider Tendulkar to be among the greatest batsmen of all time (with the likes of Bradman, Lara, Gavaskar, Sobers and Richards), he will never figure in our list of top leaders of the game.
When we talk of the top captains for India, there is the Ganguly camp – with almost 99% of this camp being Bengali, and 100% of the world’s Bengali population being part of this camp – confused??? Well, let me give you an analogy to clarify things – “all almonds are nuts, but not all nuts are almonds” – get it? No, I didn’t say all Bongs are nuts – where did you get that from?!?!? Anyway, let’s move on! Then, there are the Azhar loyalists (this number seemed to rise steeply around the Bijlani phase – surprise surprise!!!); the Pataudi faithful; and of course, the Dhoni clan! There’s no mention of Tendulkar here!
Looking at the recent state of affairs in Indian politics, I wonder if Manmohan Singh too has been cursed by the same bug off late. Great man, but not-so-great leader??? There is no doubt in my mind that he is a brilliant individual, a financial wizard! In fact, I remember when he was the Finance Minister, our Economics teacher in school used to give us sermons on the good that he had done to India’s economy – post ’91 liberalization and all that jazz! Therefore, thanks to Mrs. Surkund, all the students of Class X E (Batch of 1996), held the man in great respect! But, the question is, has the great one lost his touch?
Scams have been hitting the nation left, right and centre. Actually, come to think of it, lately all scams have been hitting mostly at the centre while the left and right watch in shock - the 2G scam; the CWG scam; the Adarsh Society etc. People seem to be losing faith in Manmohan Singh, they’re questioning his role in the government, his authority in the presence of Sonia Gandhi, and even calling him the PM’s title-holder till Rahul Gandhi eventually grows up! Well, how much is he to blame here for all the wrong-doings of those around him? I mean, after all, this is politics! We know that things are bad. We know that the people are worse! And when your best available bet is a person like Suresh Kalmadi, can you really blame Singh for corruption and scams?
Isn’t this reminiscent of the good old Sharjah days? India losing yet another series final to Pakistan on what happens to be yet another Friday. Sachin gets out LBW to Aaqib Javed – “paisa khaya hoga saale ne”! Then walks in Azhar – OUT the next ball. “Yeh kyon khelega Pakistan ke khilaf”! So on and so forth…End result, as expected, India loses the match. Back in those days, remember how Tendulkar had assumed the role of India’s lone saviour for a good amount of over 10 years, so much so, that our batting line up was almost considered as Sachin Tendulkar and the 10 tail-enders. Even with that record, it just took one in-swinging yorker from Aaqib Javed for us to turn against him! Somehow, we just forgot that a month before this dreaded Sharjah series, Tendulkar was the Man of the Series and his innings had helped India win that triangular series back home.
For me, each of these scams is like a dismal Sharjah series that Manmohan Singh, as an individual, and the Congress, as a political party, need to move past. India is a nation of corrupt politicians – we have learnt to live with that fact! Punish the corrupt – sure! But, hoping to clean up politics entirely – not going to happen anytime soon! We know that there will be the Kalmadis and the Pawars that, between the two, have the capacity to own all of Maharashtra – and that is exactly what has happened too! Indian politics has become like a sales job really – the fixed salary (read actual government designated salary) is bollocks, so you have to concentrate on the variable component (read spectrum allocation fee, treadmill company selection fee etc.).
My view is this - you can’t hold one man responsible for everything wrong with the nation! Sure, he sits at the head of the table, but if his family members are jackasses, you can’t completely banish the family! You simply weigh your options before sitting to dinner with them! If percentage of good outweighs percentage of jackass, you go break bread with them. Besides, what are your options? The family across the street is even more obnoxious, isn’t it? The saffron décor, the vegetarian food, the boring ideologies – who needs them?!?!
Wikipedia tells me (don’t judge my ignorance, just read on) that Manmohan Singh is only the second PM, after Jawaharlal Nehru, to be re-elected after completing a full five-year term in office. That, to me, is simply an amazing statistic! Imagine what that does to his resume! Prime Minister of India…TWICE!!! How can any one better that??? So, my opinion (yes, you are open to have your own) is this – in cricket terminology, Manmohan Singh is a great batsman, almost Tendulkar like in class and calibre. But, he is not limited to just that. He is a great captain as well. His side does have a lot of weak links, but you do need 11 players to make a side. You can’t enter the field with just 5 players, can you?
One might say that he redeemed himself somewhat while leading the Mumbai Indians in IPL. But, we don’t really count T20 in the same league as the longer versions of the game, now do we? Besides, even in the T20s, Sachin’s captaincy was never really awe-inspiring. Nothing even remotely as awe-inspiring as his batting anyway! So, the point is that while we consider Tendulkar to be among the greatest batsmen of all time (with the likes of Bradman, Lara, Gavaskar, Sobers and Richards), he will never figure in our list of top leaders of the game.
When we talk of the top captains for India, there is the Ganguly camp – with almost 99% of this camp being Bengali, and 100% of the world’s Bengali population being part of this camp – confused??? Well, let me give you an analogy to clarify things – “all almonds are nuts, but not all nuts are almonds” – get it? No, I didn’t say all Bongs are nuts – where did you get that from?!?!? Anyway, let’s move on! Then, there are the Azhar loyalists (this number seemed to rise steeply around the Bijlani phase – surprise surprise!!!); the Pataudi faithful; and of course, the Dhoni clan! There’s no mention of Tendulkar here!
Looking at the recent state of affairs in Indian politics, I wonder if Manmohan Singh too has been cursed by the same bug off late. Great man, but not-so-great leader??? There is no doubt in my mind that he is a brilliant individual, a financial wizard! In fact, I remember when he was the Finance Minister, our Economics teacher in school used to give us sermons on the good that he had done to India’s economy – post ’91 liberalization and all that jazz! Therefore, thanks to Mrs. Surkund, all the students of Class X E (Batch of 1996), held the man in great respect! But, the question is, has the great one lost his touch?
Scams have been hitting the nation left, right and centre. Actually, come to think of it, lately all scams have been hitting mostly at the centre while the left and right watch in shock - the 2G scam; the CWG scam; the Adarsh Society etc. People seem to be losing faith in Manmohan Singh, they’re questioning his role in the government, his authority in the presence of Sonia Gandhi, and even calling him the PM’s title-holder till Rahul Gandhi eventually grows up! Well, how much is he to blame here for all the wrong-doings of those around him? I mean, after all, this is politics! We know that things are bad. We know that the people are worse! And when your best available bet is a person like Suresh Kalmadi, can you really blame Singh for corruption and scams?
Isn’t this reminiscent of the good old Sharjah days? India losing yet another series final to Pakistan on what happens to be yet another Friday. Sachin gets out LBW to Aaqib Javed – “paisa khaya hoga saale ne”! Then walks in Azhar – OUT the next ball. “Yeh kyon khelega Pakistan ke khilaf”! So on and so forth…End result, as expected, India loses the match. Back in those days, remember how Tendulkar had assumed the role of India’s lone saviour for a good amount of over 10 years, so much so, that our batting line up was almost considered as Sachin Tendulkar and the 10 tail-enders. Even with that record, it just took one in-swinging yorker from Aaqib Javed for us to turn against him! Somehow, we just forgot that a month before this dreaded Sharjah series, Tendulkar was the Man of the Series and his innings had helped India win that triangular series back home.
For me, each of these scams is like a dismal Sharjah series that Manmohan Singh, as an individual, and the Congress, as a political party, need to move past. India is a nation of corrupt politicians – we have learnt to live with that fact! Punish the corrupt – sure! But, hoping to clean up politics entirely – not going to happen anytime soon! We know that there will be the Kalmadis and the Pawars that, between the two, have the capacity to own all of Maharashtra – and that is exactly what has happened too! Indian politics has become like a sales job really – the fixed salary (read actual government designated salary) is bollocks, so you have to concentrate on the variable component (read spectrum allocation fee, treadmill company selection fee etc.).
My view is this - you can’t hold one man responsible for everything wrong with the nation! Sure, he sits at the head of the table, but if his family members are jackasses, you can’t completely banish the family! You simply weigh your options before sitting to dinner with them! If percentage of good outweighs percentage of jackass, you go break bread with them. Besides, what are your options? The family across the street is even more obnoxious, isn’t it? The saffron décor, the vegetarian food, the boring ideologies – who needs them?!?!
Wikipedia tells me (don’t judge my ignorance, just read on) that Manmohan Singh is only the second PM, after Jawaharlal Nehru, to be re-elected after completing a full five-year term in office. That, to me, is simply an amazing statistic! Imagine what that does to his resume! Prime Minister of India…TWICE!!! How can any one better that??? So, my opinion (yes, you are open to have your own) is this – in cricket terminology, Manmohan Singh is a great batsman, almost Tendulkar like in class and calibre. But, he is not limited to just that. He is a great captain as well. His side does have a lot of weak links, but you do need 11 players to make a side. You can’t enter the field with just 5 players, can you?
Monday, June 20, 2011
Fast and Furious!
Citizens of the country, beware! There’s a new WMD in town – nope, not a Weapon of Mass Destruction – this time, it’s a Weapon of Media Disruption! Fasting is the new rage! I never thought the dietary status of any individual could garner so much attention! But obviously, I was wrong! The whole nation watched, protest marches were organized, politics was being discussed in forums everywhere, SMS messages were spreading, even Facebook and Twitter were full of this stuff! Patriotism was riding at an all time high – I think the only time in the recent past when the intensity and feeling of patriotism in the common man was higher was during the India – Pakistan World Cup clash! And that’s a huge achievement, trust me!
“Support Anna”, they said. “Lokpal is our right”, the placards read! Frankly speaking, by the time I was getting interested enough to check out what the whole hullabaloo was about, I’d already started losing interest. Media overdoes, I think! I still haven’t got myself to Google what the Lokpal bill is all about, what it says, or why is every one gunning for it so vehemently. All I know is this: lots of scams –> loads of corruption –> Anna’s pissed off –> wants Lokpal bill for easier / quicker / fairer means of justice –> every one to come under the scanner –> Govt. wouldn’t listen –> Anna wouldn’t eat –> Govt. desperate to feed Anna. Every time I switched on the news, all I could see was some reporter following overloaded jeeps with people holding Indian flags and shouting Anna Hazare’s name! Then there was some Rang De Basanti style peace march in Delhi – people marched, people lit candles, people voiced their opinion, people went back home feeling more ‘Indian’. Net result – well, the jury is still out on that one!
I know, I know! “To make a difference, you have to get into the system and make a change yourself! Don’t just sit on the sidelines and pass judgement! At least we made a difference!” That would be the response from everyone who was even slightly more proactive (read well-informed) about the whole Anna Hazare movement. And I might agree with you too! Even I thought to myself that someone’s raising a hue and cry about corruption in the country, awesome! Now, there are a zillion tweets flying around on who would have ultimate authority after the bill is passed, should the PM also come under the bill etc etc. Gul Panag, for one, seems pretty agitated about the whole deal. On a side note, nope, following Gul Panag on Twitter is not my only source of information!
Then came the show stopper of all show stoppers! Baba Ramdev! His brand of anti-corruption tactics almost demands that a super hero be based on him! Baba by day, baby by night – catch the heroics of this salwar kameez dawning superhero! Shehenshah is passé, people! The catch phrase now will be: “Rishtey mein to hum tumhare baap hote hain...philhaal outfit tumhari maa ka pehna hai…naam hai ‘Behenshah’!”
I mean, what a mockery of the movement started by Anna Hazare! What a mockery of Indian politics as a whole! This saadhu had the entire nation watching on in rapt attention for 2 whole weeks. With the TRPs that this guy must have achieved over the last month or so, I won’t be surprised if some of the Indian cricket team members lose out on ad deals to Baba Ramdev, especially considering that half of our main team isn’t even in action these days. Prime brand categories that might target him: energy drinks, hair products, and of course, salwar kameez brands. I was amazed to see how the government was being held hostage by this guy! The media obviously had nothing better to show to the world, so, there were updates by the minute on what the ‘Baba’ was up to.
I only wonder if the government gave him a little too much importance to being with. Top ministers going to meet him at the airport, and then when that didn’t work out, they let loose Digvijay Singh, who seemed to have some personal score to settle with this dude! There were jokes about Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh doing the rounds, there were discussions on why they haven’t spoken about the Ramdev Baba episode, about why the police were hounding the yoga guru, the works! I think (and sincerely HOPE) Manmohan Singh just had better things to do than worry about a self-professed cleaner of society! So, Sonia Gandhi didn’t come out with a public statement of why the Delhi Police treated Ramdev the way they did. I, for one, was glad they put an end to this melodrama! Finally, the news channels might have something different to cover than Baba’s bowel movements!
“Aaj baba ne kela khaya”, is this what qualifies for news around here? I mean, seriously??? I wonder what the rest of the world must think of us after watching our news. The Pakistanis must be relieved, “Phew! Finally something more embarrassing than our news channels!”. Best was when Ramdev wasn’t being allowed to fast (I still wonder how one can’t be allowed to fast – do they force-feed you like a 2 year old???) and Anna Hazare wanted to fast in protest of Ramdev not being allowed to fast – wow! Hilarious! Anyway, hopefully all that drama has ended and we can all watch TV without having to hear about who’s eating today, and who’s not!
“Support Anna”, they said. “Lokpal is our right”, the placards read! Frankly speaking, by the time I was getting interested enough to check out what the whole hullabaloo was about, I’d already started losing interest. Media overdoes, I think! I still haven’t got myself to Google what the Lokpal bill is all about, what it says, or why is every one gunning for it so vehemently. All I know is this: lots of scams –> loads of corruption –> Anna’s pissed off –> wants Lokpal bill for easier / quicker / fairer means of justice –> every one to come under the scanner –> Govt. wouldn’t listen –> Anna wouldn’t eat –> Govt. desperate to feed Anna. Every time I switched on the news, all I could see was some reporter following overloaded jeeps with people holding Indian flags and shouting Anna Hazare’s name! Then there was some Rang De Basanti style peace march in Delhi – people marched, people lit candles, people voiced their opinion, people went back home feeling more ‘Indian’. Net result – well, the jury is still out on that one!
I know, I know! “To make a difference, you have to get into the system and make a change yourself! Don’t just sit on the sidelines and pass judgement! At least we made a difference!” That would be the response from everyone who was even slightly more proactive (read well-informed) about the whole Anna Hazare movement. And I might agree with you too! Even I thought to myself that someone’s raising a hue and cry about corruption in the country, awesome! Now, there are a zillion tweets flying around on who would have ultimate authority after the bill is passed, should the PM also come under the bill etc etc. Gul Panag, for one, seems pretty agitated about the whole deal. On a side note, nope, following Gul Panag on Twitter is not my only source of information!
Then came the show stopper of all show stoppers! Baba Ramdev! His brand of anti-corruption tactics almost demands that a super hero be based on him! Baba by day, baby by night – catch the heroics of this salwar kameez dawning superhero! Shehenshah is passé, people! The catch phrase now will be: “Rishtey mein to hum tumhare baap hote hain...philhaal outfit tumhari maa ka pehna hai…naam hai ‘Behenshah’!”
I mean, what a mockery of the movement started by Anna Hazare! What a mockery of Indian politics as a whole! This saadhu had the entire nation watching on in rapt attention for 2 whole weeks. With the TRPs that this guy must have achieved over the last month or so, I won’t be surprised if some of the Indian cricket team members lose out on ad deals to Baba Ramdev, especially considering that half of our main team isn’t even in action these days. Prime brand categories that might target him: energy drinks, hair products, and of course, salwar kameez brands. I was amazed to see how the government was being held hostage by this guy! The media obviously had nothing better to show to the world, so, there were updates by the minute on what the ‘Baba’ was up to.
I only wonder if the government gave him a little too much importance to being with. Top ministers going to meet him at the airport, and then when that didn’t work out, they let loose Digvijay Singh, who seemed to have some personal score to settle with this dude! There were jokes about Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh doing the rounds, there were discussions on why they haven’t spoken about the Ramdev Baba episode, about why the police were hounding the yoga guru, the works! I think (and sincerely HOPE) Manmohan Singh just had better things to do than worry about a self-professed cleaner of society! So, Sonia Gandhi didn’t come out with a public statement of why the Delhi Police treated Ramdev the way they did. I, for one, was glad they put an end to this melodrama! Finally, the news channels might have something different to cover than Baba’s bowel movements!
“Aaj baba ne kela khaya”, is this what qualifies for news around here? I mean, seriously??? I wonder what the rest of the world must think of us after watching our news. The Pakistanis must be relieved, “Phew! Finally something more embarrassing than our news channels!”. Best was when Ramdev wasn’t being allowed to fast (I still wonder how one can’t be allowed to fast – do they force-feed you like a 2 year old???) and Anna Hazare wanted to fast in protest of Ramdev not being allowed to fast – wow! Hilarious! Anyway, hopefully all that drama has ended and we can all watch TV without having to hear about who’s eating today, and who’s not!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Old men with young hearts...
Am sure Bryan Adams had something totally different in mind when he sang ’18 till I die’! Over the last few weeks, I’m sure each one of us has taken notice of some startling revelations around the globe involving older men and their ‘licentious libidos’. Nope, I am not talking about 60 year olds in the Delhi Metro that go around groping anything that moves. I am talking about the crème de la crème of the world here! Ladies, you might have thought that only the DTC buses (or now the Delhi Metro) or the Mumbai locals were filled with these ‘tharkee buddhas’, but look around, you might run into one where you least expect it!
Most recently, there’s the International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss Kahn. At the tender age of 62, this dude has been arrested by the NYPD on charges of sexual assault and attempted rape on a 32 year old hotel maid. I guess his chances of running for the post of French President next year are finished considering some serious jail time if he is convicted. Apparently this is not the first time that Kahn has been in the limelight either! In late 2008, he had an affair with an IMF subordinate and had made some sort of a public apology for his error of judgement. ‘Error of judgement’ makes it sounds so innocent, like he just jumped a red light (pun not intended)!
Prior to that, we heard about the Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, and his scandal involving an under-aged prostitute. This 74 year old is probably known more for his bunga bunga parties than the work he does during office hours! I mean, at 74, this guy is still at it…and how?!?!?! I think the writers/directors of Two and a Half Men need to take serious notice of Berlusconi. They are looking for a replacement for Charlie Sheen anyway, and I think Berlusconi would be the perfect candidate! Today, if you ask anyone about the 3 things Italy is best known for, chances are that the response would be Ferrari, Pizza and Berlusconi (and not necessarily in that order)! I am sure every Italian man around the world is secretly proud of this guy’s vigour and achievements.
One of the most hilarious incidents that I read about in the last 2 weeks is that of US officials finding porn in the Abbottabad house of 54 year old Osama bin Laden! I wonder why I haven’t received any forwards on this subject so far – I’m sure there are zillions of cartoons / jokes doing the rounds on this one! I mean, come on, the man had three wives and still had a stash of porn! Any official statement released yet by the Al Queda explaining this? What could they possibly come up with to explain this sort of thing? Let me take a shot at it:
Official Statement #1:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand America’s third favourite pass time behind making money and waging wars on Islamic nations. We had responded against the first two during our 9/11 attacks, and now it is time to lash out against the third!”
Official Statement #2:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand what all he could do with the 72 virgins when he went to heaven!”.
While I am on the subject of zealous old fogies, I believe that no blog would be complete without the mention of Bill Clinton – the man who started it all! You’ve got to give him credit - this was the man that put the combination of politics and sex on the table, and I mean LITERALLY!!! Prior to Bill Clinton, we would’ve never imagined that a Prime Minister / President could be involved in any such thing – at least all of us Indians under the reign of Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma wouldn’t (thank God for small mercies!!!). Remember how the Clinton jokes were everywhere – newspapers, news channels, emails, text messages…you name it! I remember this really funny one:
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To warm his ankles.
My history isn’t too strong, so I am not sure if this was the story even 50 years back. But the new age oldie is not giving into social pressures and norms, and is coming out bolder than ever! Backed by steroids (maybe) and choicest of other drugs (definitely), this oldie has science, especially medicine, on his side – he is well equipped and ready to go!!!
Most recently, there’s the International Monetary Fund chief, Dominique Strauss Kahn. At the tender age of 62, this dude has been arrested by the NYPD on charges of sexual assault and attempted rape on a 32 year old hotel maid. I guess his chances of running for the post of French President next year are finished considering some serious jail time if he is convicted. Apparently this is not the first time that Kahn has been in the limelight either! In late 2008, he had an affair with an IMF subordinate and had made some sort of a public apology for his error of judgement. ‘Error of judgement’ makes it sounds so innocent, like he just jumped a red light (pun not intended)!
Prior to that, we heard about the Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, and his scandal involving an under-aged prostitute. This 74 year old is probably known more for his bunga bunga parties than the work he does during office hours! I mean, at 74, this guy is still at it…and how?!?!?! I think the writers/directors of Two and a Half Men need to take serious notice of Berlusconi. They are looking for a replacement for Charlie Sheen anyway, and I think Berlusconi would be the perfect candidate! Today, if you ask anyone about the 3 things Italy is best known for, chances are that the response would be Ferrari, Pizza and Berlusconi (and not necessarily in that order)! I am sure every Italian man around the world is secretly proud of this guy’s vigour and achievements.
One of the most hilarious incidents that I read about in the last 2 weeks is that of US officials finding porn in the Abbottabad house of 54 year old Osama bin Laden! I wonder why I haven’t received any forwards on this subject so far – I’m sure there are zillions of cartoons / jokes doing the rounds on this one! I mean, come on, the man had three wives and still had a stash of porn! Any official statement released yet by the Al Queda explaining this? What could they possibly come up with to explain this sort of thing? Let me take a shot at it:
Official Statement #1:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand America’s third favourite pass time behind making money and waging wars on Islamic nations. We had responded against the first two during our 9/11 attacks, and now it is time to lash out against the third!”
Official Statement #2:
In a video tape released to the BBC, the Al Queda spokesperson states, “The videos found in Abbottabad were study material. Our leader was going through the contents to understand what all he could do with the 72 virgins when he went to heaven!”.
While I am on the subject of zealous old fogies, I believe that no blog would be complete without the mention of Bill Clinton – the man who started it all! You’ve got to give him credit - this was the man that put the combination of politics and sex on the table, and I mean LITERALLY!!! Prior to Bill Clinton, we would’ve never imagined that a Prime Minister / President could be involved in any such thing – at least all of us Indians under the reign of Dr. Shankar Dayal Sharma wouldn’t (thank God for small mercies!!!). Remember how the Clinton jokes were everywhere – newspapers, news channels, emails, text messages…you name it! I remember this really funny one:
Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To warm his ankles.
My history isn’t too strong, so I am not sure if this was the story even 50 years back. But the new age oldie is not giving into social pressures and norms, and is coming out bolder than ever! Backed by steroids (maybe) and choicest of other drugs (definitely), this oldie has science, especially medicine, on his side – he is well equipped and ready to go!!!
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Osama bin laid(en) to rest!!!
Osama’s no more! Well, it took USA 10 years and a dozen wars to finally get the better of Osama Bin Laden! And to tell you the truth, the first I heard of US navy seals killing of Osama in Pakistan, my thoughts went out to ‘Noore’ from the movie Tere Bin Laden! Maybe they actually killed off a kookar (chicken) loving Punjabi Osama look-alike instead of the real thing! Actually, that thought isn’t completely out of my mind yet! Even to the average Indian (you know, accustomed to seeing brown skin everyday), any dude with a turban and a long beard could be a possible Osama suspect, right? Oh come on, you know I’m right! I’m not trying to stir up an anti-Islam controversy here, but, its true! So, add to that predicament, a US navy seal hunting down Osama Bin Laden – its gotta be tough…there had to be some shred of doubt!
How do we know it was the real Osama that they got? There are rumours / conspiracy theories brewing all around – its election time and Obama needed something to get re-elected. Or why they decided to dump the body in the middle of the ocean rather than hold the body as proof? My own version is ‘what if the guy just died of old age and nobody really noticed?’. I mean, its plausible! The guy wasn’t exactly young when the WTC incident happened over a decade ago. He had been living in caves around Afghanistan all these years – am sure that must’ve not done his body any good – arthritis, spondilitis, osteoporosis…or just plain old age?!?! Anything could’ve got him before the US navy seals got to him! Whatever maybe the case, the US citizens are happy, and they are celebrating!
The explanation at the moment is that Osama wasn’t living in caves, but in a huge resort-ish accommodation in Abbottabad, Pakistan! Plush locales and a house at least 8 times bigger than all the other houses around! That doesn’t really sound to me like a guy trying to lay low! Frankly, that sounds more like a guy who’d want to feature on the erstwhile ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’ or ‘MTV Cribs’ if you ask me!!! Think about it!
MTV Cribs Anchor: Today, we’re headed to the house of Bin Laden…my main man!
OBL: Yo yo yo! Wassup, homie?!
Anchor: So, where do we head to first, brotha?
OBL: Hmmm…lets see…ok…lets start with my favourite room in the house…the gas chamber! Used to be a useless friggin’ sauna room! Now you tell me, we live in the sub-continent, do we really need a sauna here – I say, “hell no! just step out of the house for 15 mins you lazy sons of bitches!!!”. So, with a few minor tweaks from my trusted operatives, this room now actually serves a purpose!
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear a chant in the background)…
Anchor: Ok…but, Osama, maybe you’d wanna remove that yankee lying there before we air this back in the US, bro!
OBL: Ahhh…but I thought the yankee completed the look of the room!
Anchor: What next? Lets move to your garage and check out your rides, yo?
OBL: A’ight! First up, the US Battle tank – my man Bush hooked me up with this when we were dissin’ those Russians in the epic ‘Yo Mama’ campaign back in the day! Bad mileage, but it sure works with them ladies! ;)
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear again in the background)…
Anchor: Sure looks like it! And what’s that – a humvey?
OBL: You do know your rides, dawg!!! Traded that in for a bunch of camels!
Anyway, you get the drift! My apologies but I don’t know why Osama came out sounding like an African American rap star. Its probably because all the MTV Cribs episodes that I’ve seen featured some random rapper ‘from the hood’! The point is, even when Saddam Hussein was captured, he wasn’t really living in style! The US soldiers ratted him out from some hole in the ground!!! Compared to Saddam, Osama sure did live it up! The Pakistani government isn’t saying much, and from what I read from the news reports, they were told about this whole covert op only after it was finished! Figures!!! I wonder how things would’ve turned out if the Pakistani soldiers joined in to lend a hand:
US Navy Seal: We have strong intel that our target is in hiding in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
Pakistani Soldier: Bismilah-e-remhan-e-rahim! Nahin, janaab! Abbottabad is where we are having a strong army base! No Osama there!
Seal: Its confirmed intel, soldier! He’s hiding in a resort 5 clicks from your Army base!
Pakistani Soldier: Arrey, nahin janaab! Impossible! Are you willing to put some money on that?
Seal: Excuse me???
Pakistani Soldier: These days we just don’t do anything if there’s no money riding on it! Ask Sepoy Asif here! He used to take money just to run 2 extra inches to bowl a no ball in a cricket match…and you want us to march our asses all the way to Abbottabad for nothing?
Seal: This is crazy! I don’t watch cricket! Either way, we’re going there! Round up your troops – we march at 2300 hrs.
Pakistani Solider: Na janaab! 11 baje to hum sab Hindi serial dekhte hain. Ek kaam karein, aap aage niklein! Hum serial khatam hote hi aapke peeche peeche aate hain! Changa, janaab?
Seal: Screw you guys! I think we’ll just take this up on our own!!!!
So, what’s your take, folks? You think they got the right man? Any chance the Americans shot the wrong dude! For one, can Noore make a public appearance to settle my doubts about his safety? Meanwhile, let the American public rejoice at their $ 1.3 trillion being well spent!
How do we know it was the real Osama that they got? There are rumours / conspiracy theories brewing all around – its election time and Obama needed something to get re-elected. Or why they decided to dump the body in the middle of the ocean rather than hold the body as proof? My own version is ‘what if the guy just died of old age and nobody really noticed?’. I mean, its plausible! The guy wasn’t exactly young when the WTC incident happened over a decade ago. He had been living in caves around Afghanistan all these years – am sure that must’ve not done his body any good – arthritis, spondilitis, osteoporosis…or just plain old age?!?! Anything could’ve got him before the US navy seals got to him! Whatever maybe the case, the US citizens are happy, and they are celebrating!
The explanation at the moment is that Osama wasn’t living in caves, but in a huge resort-ish accommodation in Abbottabad, Pakistan! Plush locales and a house at least 8 times bigger than all the other houses around! That doesn’t really sound to me like a guy trying to lay low! Frankly, that sounds more like a guy who’d want to feature on the erstwhile ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’ or ‘MTV Cribs’ if you ask me!!! Think about it!
MTV Cribs Anchor: Today, we’re headed to the house of Bin Laden…my main man!
OBL: Yo yo yo! Wassup, homie?!
Anchor: So, where do we head to first, brotha?
OBL: Hmmm…lets see…ok…lets start with my favourite room in the house…the gas chamber! Used to be a useless friggin’ sauna room! Now you tell me, we live in the sub-continent, do we really need a sauna here – I say, “hell no! just step out of the house for 15 mins you lazy sons of bitches!!!”. So, with a few minor tweaks from my trusted operatives, this room now actually serves a purpose!
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear a chant in the background)…
Anchor: Ok…but, Osama, maybe you’d wanna remove that yankee lying there before we air this back in the US, bro!
OBL: Ahhh…but I thought the yankee completed the look of the room!
Anchor: What next? Lets move to your garage and check out your rides, yo?
OBL: A’ight! First up, the US Battle tank – my man Bush hooked me up with this when we were dissin’ those Russians in the epic ‘Yo Mama’ campaign back in the day! Bad mileage, but it sure works with them ladies! ;)
(Hail Osssssssssama…we hear again in the background)…
Anchor: Sure looks like it! And what’s that – a humvey?
OBL: You do know your rides, dawg!!! Traded that in for a bunch of camels!
Anyway, you get the drift! My apologies but I don’t know why Osama came out sounding like an African American rap star. Its probably because all the MTV Cribs episodes that I’ve seen featured some random rapper ‘from the hood’! The point is, even when Saddam Hussein was captured, he wasn’t really living in style! The US soldiers ratted him out from some hole in the ground!!! Compared to Saddam, Osama sure did live it up! The Pakistani government isn’t saying much, and from what I read from the news reports, they were told about this whole covert op only after it was finished! Figures!!! I wonder how things would’ve turned out if the Pakistani soldiers joined in to lend a hand:
US Navy Seal: We have strong intel that our target is in hiding in Abbottabad, Pakistan.
Pakistani Soldier: Bismilah-e-remhan-e-rahim! Nahin, janaab! Abbottabad is where we are having a strong army base! No Osama there!
Seal: Its confirmed intel, soldier! He’s hiding in a resort 5 clicks from your Army base!
Pakistani Soldier: Arrey, nahin janaab! Impossible! Are you willing to put some money on that?
Seal: Excuse me???
Pakistani Soldier: These days we just don’t do anything if there’s no money riding on it! Ask Sepoy Asif here! He used to take money just to run 2 extra inches to bowl a no ball in a cricket match…and you want us to march our asses all the way to Abbottabad for nothing?
Seal: This is crazy! I don’t watch cricket! Either way, we’re going there! Round up your troops – we march at 2300 hrs.
Pakistani Solider: Na janaab! 11 baje to hum sab Hindi serial dekhte hain. Ek kaam karein, aap aage niklein! Hum serial khatam hote hi aapke peeche peeche aate hain! Changa, janaab?
Seal: Screw you guys! I think we’ll just take this up on our own!!!!
So, what’s your take, folks? You think they got the right man? Any chance the Americans shot the wrong dude! For one, can Noore make a public appearance to settle my doubts about his safety? Meanwhile, let the American public rejoice at their $ 1.3 trillion being well spent!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Alcoholics (stay) Anonymous
If ever there was a time for someone to kick the drinking habit, its now! Look in any direction, look at the TV, rummage through the newspapers – look anywhere. Sure, alcohol is bad for you - agreed. But, for those of us who like the occasional drink on a night out with friends, things have never looked worse. The moral police is out in numbers, they’re everywhere you go, and they’re armed and dangerous! A few instances have brought me to believe that we live in a state where prohibition doesn’t exist by law, but is being forced down our throats in more ways than one.
First it was the incident involving students of a Symbiosis management institute in the city sometime last year. ‘Rave party busted by Pune Cops’ read the headlines. A whole batch of aspiring management students put behind bars…and for what? For attending their college freshers’ party? For having a good time with their classmates? For downing a couple of beers? Yes, there was booze for which the students / organizing committee hadn’t got the proper licenses for. But did that really need the entire batch of students to be hauled into jail? I only hope this wasn’t something that went into their permanent records – am not sure of how these things work!
Then there was the recent incident in Kothrud in which a local Pune actress was involved. I was glancing through the Pune Mirror on a Sunday morning and noticed that I knew a couple of people in that group. Come to office the next day and I’m told by my Maharashtrian colleagues that they have the inside scoop on what really went down that night. Turns out the Marathi dailies had concocted their own version of the story that looked like something straight out of a B grade Hindi movie involving nudity, molestation – the works! Now, I am positive about one thing: what is considered as ‘party-wear’ for a Pune Times Page 3 journalist might qualify as ‘nudity’ for the Pudhari (a local Marathi newspaper) journalist! But Pudhari’s account of the incident was, at best, laughable. Spare a thought though for the people who went through the ordeal!
The other day I read about how the prices of alcohol will shoot up thanks to additional service tax being levied by the government. What that effectively means is that for the same pint of beer, we’ll be paying 10-15% extra. As if we weren’t spending enough on the booze bills already, imagine your bills now! Plus with the entry charges that even the remotely decent clubs around Pune hit you with, you’d think that one would be better off just drinking at home, wouldn’t you? Think again! Here’s what is most likely to happen:
Scenario 1: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- some finicky neighbour doesn’t like your taste in music --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your attitude --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
Scenario 2: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- some finicky neighbour wants to sleep --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your attitude --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
Scenario 3: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- finicky neighbour doesn’t like your attitude --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your taste in music --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
So, where does one go to partyyyyyy! Goa??? Frankly, I think Goa has enough to worry about already, let’s not add to its woes! It would be great if someone can give me a low-down on the rules that apply when it comes to drinking at home ‘cos at this point in time, to me it seems that drinking is absolutely fine, but being drunk is a crime!
First it was the incident involving students of a Symbiosis management institute in the city sometime last year. ‘Rave party busted by Pune Cops’ read the headlines. A whole batch of aspiring management students put behind bars…and for what? For attending their college freshers’ party? For having a good time with their classmates? For downing a couple of beers? Yes, there was booze for which the students / organizing committee hadn’t got the proper licenses for. But did that really need the entire batch of students to be hauled into jail? I only hope this wasn’t something that went into their permanent records – am not sure of how these things work!
Then there was the recent incident in Kothrud in which a local Pune actress was involved. I was glancing through the Pune Mirror on a Sunday morning and noticed that I knew a couple of people in that group. Come to office the next day and I’m told by my Maharashtrian colleagues that they have the inside scoop on what really went down that night. Turns out the Marathi dailies had concocted their own version of the story that looked like something straight out of a B grade Hindi movie involving nudity, molestation – the works! Now, I am positive about one thing: what is considered as ‘party-wear’ for a Pune Times Page 3 journalist might qualify as ‘nudity’ for the Pudhari (a local Marathi newspaper) journalist! But Pudhari’s account of the incident was, at best, laughable. Spare a thought though for the people who went through the ordeal!
The other day I read about how the prices of alcohol will shoot up thanks to additional service tax being levied by the government. What that effectively means is that for the same pint of beer, we’ll be paying 10-15% extra. As if we weren’t spending enough on the booze bills already, imagine your bills now! Plus with the entry charges that even the remotely decent clubs around Pune hit you with, you’d think that one would be better off just drinking at home, wouldn’t you? Think again! Here’s what is most likely to happen:
Scenario 1: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- some finicky neighbour doesn’t like your taste in music --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your attitude --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
Scenario 2: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- some finicky neighbour wants to sleep --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your attitude --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
Scenario 3: You invite over a group of friends to your house --- have a couple of drinks…play some music --- finicky neighbour doesn’t like your attitude --- clock strikes 11 --- neighbour calls cops --- cops don’t like your taste in music --- cops shove you and your friends into the back of their van --- you land up in jail.
So, where does one go to partyyyyyy! Goa??? Frankly, I think Goa has enough to worry about already, let’s not add to its woes! It would be great if someone can give me a low-down on the rules that apply when it comes to drinking at home ‘cos at this point in time, to me it seems that drinking is absolutely fine, but being drunk is a crime!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Hiber-nation!!!
Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could do what polar bears can – EAT EAT EAT when you’ve got food lying around and then live off the fat when you’re too lazy to get up and fend for more! Oh sure, I know their exercise is more out of necessity than laziness. But come on, think about it! Imagine if you could gorge on chocolate mousse all you wanted…didn’t need to stop yourself from hogging that extra cheese burger…didn’t have to think twice about downing the ice cream that’s been lying in your freezer for God knows how long? No gymming required! Want to lose some weight? Just go on the trusted ‘hibernation diet’!
Evolution, you know! Charles Darwin would agree that its possible! Imagine how different life would be if humans developed the art / science of hibernation! Imagine if the story of that Dennis Quaid flick ‘Day After Tomorrow’ were to come true! Snow everywhere. Not enough food to go around. A few hundreds of years into that lifestyle, humans might develop these skills! Or even look at the movie Wall-E for that matter. Imagine those fat tubs of lard that were floating around in zero gravity, having the robots doing all their work while they gained a quintal or two by sitting around sipping on chocolate shakes all the time. If nature were to allow humans to live off their own fat, imagine the altercations that the phenomenon could have. I mean, with our sedentary lifestyles, its half the battle won already. All we need now, is ability to burn fat and convert it to energy to sustain life over a longer period of time!
I’m sure the ability to hibernate would be a huge hit with us humans! I can imagine how well we would accept hibernation into our lifestyles. My guess is that there would be 2 categories of stocking up on calories that we would adopt – there’d be the ‘short-term binge’ and the ‘long-term massacre’! Examples:
- Low on self-esteem after being stood up on your third date in a row? Go in for the Haagen Dazs short-term binge.
- Heard the news on world’s chocolate supplies coming to an end – go for the home run! Finish off the stock of goodies lying in your fridge where the vegetables were actually supposed to be!
- India wins the World Cup? Well, that could qualify for both categories actually considering the fact that it took our team 28 years to win it the second time around!
The potential advantages of such an evolution are huge, quite like what our waistlines would be! Snacking would become a religion! Its 4 pm? Hungry? Bring on the pancakes, the chocolate milkshake and that extra greasy steak. Yup, that should hold you till dinner! Tea breaks would be passé. ‘High Tea’ would simply be renamed to ‘High Calorie’! So, yeah, the advantages – no more frozen foods! If you’re going to the North Pole for an expedition, just eat non-stop for a month! Live off the cakes and cookies you ate back home. Going to Kerala for a holiday and can’t stand the smell of coconut oil in your food? No problem! Load up on mummy’s desi ghee food at home instead! Suffering from high cholesterol? You got it, it’s the hibernation diet for a month again!
Of course there’s a downside to hibernation as well! No more well-chiselled 6 pack (or 8 depending on your SRK / Aamir preference) abs! Maybe John Abraham wouldn’t be able to do his famous Dostana undie shots at the drop of a hat – or actually at the drop of his pants! Maybe Shiela and her jawani would be worth putting on display only once every couple of months! Or maybe it’s the eating disorder that gets Munni badnaam! Of course, one would also have to expand one’s wardrobe exponentially! No, I don’t suggest that everyone get maternity pants! Just that one would need different sets of pants for pre-, during- and post-hibernation days!
Well, it’s a different issue altogether that some people around us already seem to think that humans can hibernate!! Look at Jayalalitha – there’s no way she isn’t preparing for the ice age! Look at most of the filmy Kapoor khaandan! Yeah yeah, I know I’m being insensitive to the obese…no wait…what’s the socially acceptable term for obese now? Gravitationally favoured? No, that can’t be right! PHAT? Nah, I ain’t cool enough pull off that lingo! American??? No, that’s not it either! Anyway, you get my drift!
Evolution, you know! Charles Darwin would agree that its possible! Imagine how different life would be if humans developed the art / science of hibernation! Imagine if the story of that Dennis Quaid flick ‘Day After Tomorrow’ were to come true! Snow everywhere. Not enough food to go around. A few hundreds of years into that lifestyle, humans might develop these skills! Or even look at the movie Wall-E for that matter. Imagine those fat tubs of lard that were floating around in zero gravity, having the robots doing all their work while they gained a quintal or two by sitting around sipping on chocolate shakes all the time. If nature were to allow humans to live off their own fat, imagine the altercations that the phenomenon could have. I mean, with our sedentary lifestyles, its half the battle won already. All we need now, is ability to burn fat and convert it to energy to sustain life over a longer period of time!
I’m sure the ability to hibernate would be a huge hit with us humans! I can imagine how well we would accept hibernation into our lifestyles. My guess is that there would be 2 categories of stocking up on calories that we would adopt – there’d be the ‘short-term binge’ and the ‘long-term massacre’! Examples:
- Low on self-esteem after being stood up on your third date in a row? Go in for the Haagen Dazs short-term binge.
- Heard the news on world’s chocolate supplies coming to an end – go for the home run! Finish off the stock of goodies lying in your fridge where the vegetables were actually supposed to be!
- India wins the World Cup? Well, that could qualify for both categories actually considering the fact that it took our team 28 years to win it the second time around!
The potential advantages of such an evolution are huge, quite like what our waistlines would be! Snacking would become a religion! Its 4 pm? Hungry? Bring on the pancakes, the chocolate milkshake and that extra greasy steak. Yup, that should hold you till dinner! Tea breaks would be passé. ‘High Tea’ would simply be renamed to ‘High Calorie’! So, yeah, the advantages – no more frozen foods! If you’re going to the North Pole for an expedition, just eat non-stop for a month! Live off the cakes and cookies you ate back home. Going to Kerala for a holiday and can’t stand the smell of coconut oil in your food? No problem! Load up on mummy’s desi ghee food at home instead! Suffering from high cholesterol? You got it, it’s the hibernation diet for a month again!
Of course there’s a downside to hibernation as well! No more well-chiselled 6 pack (or 8 depending on your SRK / Aamir preference) abs! Maybe John Abraham wouldn’t be able to do his famous Dostana undie shots at the drop of a hat – or actually at the drop of his pants! Maybe Shiela and her jawani would be worth putting on display only once every couple of months! Or maybe it’s the eating disorder that gets Munni badnaam! Of course, one would also have to expand one’s wardrobe exponentially! No, I don’t suggest that everyone get maternity pants! Just that one would need different sets of pants for pre-, during- and post-hibernation days!
Well, it’s a different issue altogether that some people around us already seem to think that humans can hibernate!! Look at Jayalalitha – there’s no way she isn’t preparing for the ice age! Look at most of the filmy Kapoor khaandan! Yeah yeah, I know I’m being insensitive to the obese…no wait…what’s the socially acceptable term for obese now? Gravitationally favoured? No, that can’t be right! PHAT? Nah, I ain’t cool enough pull off that lingo! American??? No, that’s not it either! Anyway, you get my drift!
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Information Overload
Ever found yourself wondering about the over-abundance of information around you? Have your ever felt that you’ve somehow been left behind? How there’s always something you wanted to find out more about, but that list keeps on growing ‘cos, well, you can literally find out about anything now? I know I have! Constantly! I always wanted to know more about the Palestinians and the Jews and the whole feud they have going on for ages. Or about the second world war. I remember studying about it back in school. But back then it was just study material you HAD to know. Which also meant you only HAD to know it until the end of that dreaded history exam. Which is precisely what happened, isn’t it? So, here I am, with the world at my fingertips, wondering where to start?
The exact same thing happens to me when it comes to music too! A million artists coming out with a billion albums containing a zillion songs every year. How can you keep up with them? Earlier, life was much simpler – there was just one MTV you watched, with a handful of artists that you knew being featured again and again. One year my cousin bought the Best of Grammy Awards album, and we were introduced to maybe 4-5 new artists in one go. We didn’t really buy the full albums then, well, except for maybe that odd Michael Jackson album. We recorded mixed tapes (or assorted cassettes) from every possible source we could get our hands on. So, one hit wonders actually were one hit wonders for us! Like Vanilla Ice and his ‘Ice Ice Baby’, or the Fine Young Cannibals and their ‘She drives me crazy’. Those were the days of the VCR, where we made video cassettes of our favourite music videos. Those were the days of just 3 genres of music: (a) Its awesome (b) Ahhh…its so-so, and (c) It sucks! And for the more well-informed, maybe, a couple more like (d) R&B (which for most of my childhood I thought meant Red & Black) and (e) Jazz – which never really came to India as far as I can remember – no, Gary Lawyer doesn’t count!
Today, there are a zillion genres of music, let alone the million artists making the billion albums with the zillion songs. There’s rap, hip-hop, punk, punk rock, house, lounge, club, metal, heavy metal, rock, indie rock, country etc etc etc. And when you can’t put it in any of those genres, you just casually call it ‘alternative music’! So, just imagine how things have changed! For example, when someone generally asks you “what kind of music do you listen to?”. That used to be a simple question 10 years back. You’d just go “Preferably, awesome…if that’s not around, then I also listen to ahhh…its so-so music”. Ok ok, you’d actually go, “I like Michael Jackson, Phil Collins and Snap”. Now, the same question is turned around to “what kind/genre of music do you like?”. Scary question that! The safe answer, which you’d probably hear from 90% of the people is “ahhhh…I love all kinds of music…no particular genre as such”.
Yeah, so where were we? Ah – the information age! Next case in point – social networking. Facebook – the Wall – Poke – Superpoke – Twitter – tweets – pictures – pictures of complete strangers – pictures you still end up looking at for no apparent reason. There have been huge debates around it – invasion of privacy, Facebook is evil, Facebook causes divorces, Twitter causes you to be banned from your team. I’m sure there are churches in the USA, preaching against Facebook right now. I can bet on it! I can imagine Sheldon Cooper’s mother sitting in her parish and the hundreds of Texans screaming with her against the darned devil ‘Facebook’! I seriously thought of getting off Facebook myself. The idea of some random Sharma aunty sitting in Gurgaon looking at what her nephew’s best friend’s classmate was doing. That nephew’s best friend’s classmate could well be me. Then, I thought to myself, “now, nobody’s going to want to watch that!”. And here I am, still doing my bit to make Mark Zuckerberg richer!
Twitter, I’ve heard, is the best thing since pointy shoes – I mean if you like that kind of thing! I admit it, I’m not on Twitter. Just too lazy to open an account. Or maybe I’m intimidated by the whole concept. How many followers will I have? Oh my god! That loser from Symbi can’t possibly have more followers than me!!! I have a blog! Some people even read it occasionally! I’m bound to be more popular than HIM!!! Nah…just leave it to laziness for now! Twitter – an amazing concept really. A chance to hear from your favourite stars – directly. You don’t need to wait for Lehrein (remember that???) or Zoom TV to tell you that SRK is shopping in Vienna! He tells you on his own – bloody show off! Then, you can follow that most outspoken Indian of all – Mr. Shashi Tharoor. If I ever join Twitter, I’m definitely following Shashi Tharoor – the guy’s intelligent, can SPEAK and looks good too! He’s been a phenomenon for the Indians in their 20s to Indians in their…well, Indians on their death beds to be honest. So much so that we were almost considering dressing up like him for my sister’s wedding – not just me, even the groom!!!
My friend forwarded me this twitter message (or tweet) from the Arsenal boy, Jack Wilshire, today. The teenager writes before the Champions League tie off against Barca at the Nou Camp “Big game tonight and I am buzzing for it! Can see the stadium from my hotel room and its massive”. Cool, isn’t it? Would you ever hear Jack Wilshire share that at a drabby press conference? But, there’s a flip side too. You tweet anything, you can get reprimanded for it, as Kevin Peterson would well be aware of now! You can’t be famous and be open about what you feel. You have to be diplomatic. You have to tone your emotions down! Exactly opposite of why you’d got onto Twitter in the first place! That sucks!
Then there’s spam mail flooding you from every direction. There are mails trying to sell you all kind of stuff. Some want to congratulate you on winning the lottery. Some want to sell you a house which you can’t afford. Some even try convincing you that you need larger (read enhanced) body parts. Thank god for spam filters! Now only the “enhance your…body part” mails somehow get through to your inbox! We’re so used to getting junk mail that we don’t even mind having to make the effort of deleting it! Spam is very much a part of our lives now! I was just thinking of how life would be if you could put in a spam filter in your head to block off stuff coming through your ears into your brain. You know, just stash it away in that spam folder in some unused corner of your brain. Like when your mom tells you to “clean your room” - ahhh, that goes into SPAM, please!!!! Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Or would you end up like Adam Sandler in the movie ‘Click’, spamming away just about anything and everything?!?! The girlfriend asks you about shopping when you’re watching football – SPAMMMMM!!! Hmmmm….I wonder!
Nope, I’m not dishin technology! No, sir! All my blogs do appear to be doing so, I know. But, hey, you’re reading my stuff here without me having to go to the Times of India office, the Editor having to go through my article and considering my writing “printable”, and then on one fine day it appearing on the paper only for you to be holidaying in Goa that weekend!!! Instead, its right here…its not going anywhere…I can tell a hundred people that I’ve written this piece (or all of 222 friends on FB to be precise) at the click of a button! Its great! The Internet has made our lives so much easier that I wonder how I did my homework before Google came along…
I guess I’m just propagating the good ole days, that’s all.
The exact same thing happens to me when it comes to music too! A million artists coming out with a billion albums containing a zillion songs every year. How can you keep up with them? Earlier, life was much simpler – there was just one MTV you watched, with a handful of artists that you knew being featured again and again. One year my cousin bought the Best of Grammy Awards album, and we were introduced to maybe 4-5 new artists in one go. We didn’t really buy the full albums then, well, except for maybe that odd Michael Jackson album. We recorded mixed tapes (or assorted cassettes) from every possible source we could get our hands on. So, one hit wonders actually were one hit wonders for us! Like Vanilla Ice and his ‘Ice Ice Baby’, or the Fine Young Cannibals and their ‘She drives me crazy’. Those were the days of the VCR, where we made video cassettes of our favourite music videos. Those were the days of just 3 genres of music: (a) Its awesome (b) Ahhh…its so-so, and (c) It sucks! And for the more well-informed, maybe, a couple more like (d) R&B (which for most of my childhood I thought meant Red & Black) and (e) Jazz – which never really came to India as far as I can remember – no, Gary Lawyer doesn’t count!
Today, there are a zillion genres of music, let alone the million artists making the billion albums with the zillion songs. There’s rap, hip-hop, punk, punk rock, house, lounge, club, metal, heavy metal, rock, indie rock, country etc etc etc. And when you can’t put it in any of those genres, you just casually call it ‘alternative music’! So, just imagine how things have changed! For example, when someone generally asks you “what kind of music do you listen to?”. That used to be a simple question 10 years back. You’d just go “Preferably, awesome…if that’s not around, then I also listen to ahhh…its so-so music”. Ok ok, you’d actually go, “I like Michael Jackson, Phil Collins and Snap”. Now, the same question is turned around to “what kind/genre of music do you like?”. Scary question that! The safe answer, which you’d probably hear from 90% of the people is “ahhhh…I love all kinds of music…no particular genre as such”.
Yeah, so where were we? Ah – the information age! Next case in point – social networking. Facebook – the Wall – Poke – Superpoke – Twitter – tweets – pictures – pictures of complete strangers – pictures you still end up looking at for no apparent reason. There have been huge debates around it – invasion of privacy, Facebook is evil, Facebook causes divorces, Twitter causes you to be banned from your team. I’m sure there are churches in the USA, preaching against Facebook right now. I can bet on it! I can imagine Sheldon Cooper’s mother sitting in her parish and the hundreds of Texans screaming with her against the darned devil ‘Facebook’! I seriously thought of getting off Facebook myself. The idea of some random Sharma aunty sitting in Gurgaon looking at what her nephew’s best friend’s classmate was doing. That nephew’s best friend’s classmate could well be me. Then, I thought to myself, “now, nobody’s going to want to watch that!”. And here I am, still doing my bit to make Mark Zuckerberg richer!
Twitter, I’ve heard, is the best thing since pointy shoes – I mean if you like that kind of thing! I admit it, I’m not on Twitter. Just too lazy to open an account. Or maybe I’m intimidated by the whole concept. How many followers will I have? Oh my god! That loser from Symbi can’t possibly have more followers than me!!! I have a blog! Some people even read it occasionally! I’m bound to be more popular than HIM!!! Nah…just leave it to laziness for now! Twitter – an amazing concept really. A chance to hear from your favourite stars – directly. You don’t need to wait for Lehrein (remember that???) or Zoom TV to tell you that SRK is shopping in Vienna! He tells you on his own – bloody show off! Then, you can follow that most outspoken Indian of all – Mr. Shashi Tharoor. If I ever join Twitter, I’m definitely following Shashi Tharoor – the guy’s intelligent, can SPEAK and looks good too! He’s been a phenomenon for the Indians in their 20s to Indians in their…well, Indians on their death beds to be honest. So much so that we were almost considering dressing up like him for my sister’s wedding – not just me, even the groom!!!
My friend forwarded me this twitter message (or tweet) from the Arsenal boy, Jack Wilshire, today. The teenager writes before the Champions League tie off against Barca at the Nou Camp “Big game tonight and I am buzzing for it! Can see the stadium from my hotel room and its massive”. Cool, isn’t it? Would you ever hear Jack Wilshire share that at a drabby press conference? But, there’s a flip side too. You tweet anything, you can get reprimanded for it, as Kevin Peterson would well be aware of now! You can’t be famous and be open about what you feel. You have to be diplomatic. You have to tone your emotions down! Exactly opposite of why you’d got onto Twitter in the first place! That sucks!
Then there’s spam mail flooding you from every direction. There are mails trying to sell you all kind of stuff. Some want to congratulate you on winning the lottery. Some want to sell you a house which you can’t afford. Some even try convincing you that you need larger (read enhanced) body parts. Thank god for spam filters! Now only the “enhance your…body part” mails somehow get through to your inbox! We’re so used to getting junk mail that we don’t even mind having to make the effort of deleting it! Spam is very much a part of our lives now! I was just thinking of how life would be if you could put in a spam filter in your head to block off stuff coming through your ears into your brain. You know, just stash it away in that spam folder in some unused corner of your brain. Like when your mom tells you to “clean your room” - ahhh, that goes into SPAM, please!!!! Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Or would you end up like Adam Sandler in the movie ‘Click’, spamming away just about anything and everything?!?! The girlfriend asks you about shopping when you’re watching football – SPAMMMMM!!! Hmmmm….I wonder!
Nope, I’m not dishin technology! No, sir! All my blogs do appear to be doing so, I know. But, hey, you’re reading my stuff here without me having to go to the Times of India office, the Editor having to go through my article and considering my writing “printable”, and then on one fine day it appearing on the paper only for you to be holidaying in Goa that weekend!!! Instead, its right here…its not going anywhere…I can tell a hundred people that I’ve written this piece (or all of 222 friends on FB to be precise) at the click of a button! Its great! The Internet has made our lives so much easier that I wonder how I did my homework before Google came along…
I guess I’m just propagating the good ole days, that’s all.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Half front page of the Pune Times - what a menace!
A letter that I wrote to the Editor of Times of India, Pune last week about the odd half front page of the Pune Times. Response awaited. Read on...
Dear Sir,
Over the last couple of years, advertisements seem to have literally invaded our lives, they’ve gotten into every tiny nook and corner of our homes, into everything that we do, into everything we hold dear. At first, we took no notice of how these marketing gimmicks were gradually creeping into our lives because, well, they didn’t really affect our daily routines. We got around the advertising, blocking them out of our minds like the ex-boyfriend of a beautiful beau.
But, I am sad to announce that advertising has gotten out of hand. The first clue I got on how intrusive modern advertising has become was while watching the recently concluded India – South Africa test series. If one took stock of the sheer number of minutes when an advertisement was on during the match vs. number of minutes of actual cricket, the statistics would be horrifying.
Even the most popular and esteemed news dailies, the Times of India, I am sorry to say, has succumbed to the wrath of advertisers. Pune Times, companion to thousands of Puneites during their morning ablutions, is the latest victim. What once used to be the ideal ‘potty partner’ has now become the most inconvenient piece of reading material one could hope to get. The half front page is a nightmare to handle, especially when one is precariously positioned on the WC!
So, Mr. Editor, my humble request is to return Pune Times to its old time glory of the full front page. I understand that advertising is a necessary evil, but let us not compromise on the customers’ comfort. After all, the customer is king, and deserves all the comfort on his beloved throne!
Regards,
Siddharth
Dear Sir,
Over the last couple of years, advertisements seem to have literally invaded our lives, they’ve gotten into every tiny nook and corner of our homes, into everything that we do, into everything we hold dear. At first, we took no notice of how these marketing gimmicks were gradually creeping into our lives because, well, they didn’t really affect our daily routines. We got around the advertising, blocking them out of our minds like the ex-boyfriend of a beautiful beau.
But, I am sad to announce that advertising has gotten out of hand. The first clue I got on how intrusive modern advertising has become was while watching the recently concluded India – South Africa test series. If one took stock of the sheer number of minutes when an advertisement was on during the match vs. number of minutes of actual cricket, the statistics would be horrifying.
Even the most popular and esteemed news dailies, the Times of India, I am sorry to say, has succumbed to the wrath of advertisers. Pune Times, companion to thousands of Puneites during their morning ablutions, is the latest victim. What once used to be the ideal ‘potty partner’ has now become the most inconvenient piece of reading material one could hope to get. The half front page is a nightmare to handle, especially when one is precariously positioned on the WC!
So, Mr. Editor, my humble request is to return Pune Times to its old time glory of the full front page. I understand that advertising is a necessary evil, but let us not compromise on the customers’ comfort. After all, the customer is king, and deserves all the comfort on his beloved throne!
Regards,
Siddharth
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Buy Now, Pay Later *
“Buy now, pay later! Pay me when you have the money, man! Relax!” About 10 years back, one would’ve loved to hear these words from any shopkeeper. Those were the good ole days of the tab system, or in the more popular Indian parlance, the ‘khaata’. Not everyone got that privilege, mind you! You had to earn it, you had to prove your credit worthiness, you had to be a regular at the store, be known, and more importantly, be liked. The first memories that come to mind when I think about the khaata system is the movie Mr. India, and the friendly squabbles between Calendar and Roopchand. Of course, unlike Roopchand, not all grocery store guys would go wicked on you owing their loyalty to Mogambo! Well, at least not if you’ve been clearing your tab regularly.
The present day avatar of Roopchand and his khaata system are the credit cards. But, do beware - these seemingly harmless, and often delightful, creatures are pure evil. They lure you in promising the world – you know, with the all-so-familiar “Buy now, pay later! Pay us back when you have the money! Relax!” philosophy. You get roped in just like a naïve little insect heading into the Venus fly trap, unassuming and very vulnerable. You calmly walk in to their wondrous world of low interest paybacks, pay-by-EMI schemes and my personal favourite, the minimum amount due. And once you’ve been reeled in, there’s no getting out. There’s no patch that can help you kick the credit card habit, no magical gum with approved credit card nicotine levels that can help you get out!
Just think about it. How have we, and our spending habits, changed in the last 5 years:
- You drive into the petrol pump (or ‘gas station’ for the US-returned folks who don’t seem to remember what a ‘petrol pump’ is) and go – full tank, fill ‘er up! No more do you fill fuel for Rs. 500 only – that’s passé!
- You walk into an Adidas store with the huge SALE sign in the window – 40% off?!?! Shoes only for Rs. 3500? Awesome! Charge it to my card, please!
- Partying at the Blue Frog in Bombay? Holy smokes! Rs. 600 for one cocktail?!?!?!?! You gotta be kidding me!!! Okkkkk…charge it to my card!
One fine day the credit card bill arrives, and you wonder! When did I spend that much? There must be a mistake! You start going through the transaction details one by one. Rs. 4,800 at Area 51 – oh yeah! I remember that. Next – Rs. 9,500 paid towards Jet Airways? Oh yeah, Tambi’s wedding!! Did that bozo have to get married this month?!?!?! So on and so forth. And then there’s always one or two entries in there that you just can’t figure out. Right? Am sure that happens to each one of us every single month. That Rs. 3,400 at JD Electronics or something of the sort? What??? What was that? What did I buy from JD Electronics? You wrack your brains for about an hour, ask everyone possible about what this amount could be. You rummage through whatever bills you have lying in your bedside drawer. Then, you just give up! You just go back to the bill, and look at the final amount to be paid. Rs. 20,000?!?!?! Wow!!!!
Then your attention is drawn to that tiny figure mentioned against the words ‘minimum amount due’ – the easiest escape route from that 20,000 bill, you think. I can pay off Rs. 500 easily – wow! I love this new Roopchand! Frankly, I think the government should make it compulsory for credit card companies to also print 2 horns at the sides of this ‘minimum amount due’. Something like the “Smoking Kills!” signs that cigarette brands have to put on their packaging. Anyway, you go ahead and pay the minimum amount due – that measly Rs. 500. For one month, you forget about the 20k bill that you’d raked up last month, and you step into the mall again. Obviously, there’s a horde of sales on again, and again, you do waiver a little ‘cos you have the Visa Power that Sachin Tendulkar so prudently recommended.
One month down the line, the next bill comes along. Again, that evil minimum amount due figure teases you ever so slightly. “Ah! I need to buy that home theatre system this month, let me just pay the minimum amount due just this once more”, you say to yourself. The home theatre is bought, and of course, you swipe that magical credit card again. Life is sweet! The story goes on for a few months, and BAM! your bill runs up beyond recognition. You wonder how the minimum amounts that you so diligently paid every month have not managed to drop that ‘total amount due’ column even marginally. Yeah, folks! You’ve been burned! The lavish interest rates coupled with the enormously complicated calculation mechanisms of these credit card companies leaves you absolutely bewildered. But, there’s nothing that you can do besides pay the damn thugs off and move on in life! At best, you can use your “I’ve been a loyal customer to the bank for over 5 years” card to knock off some tiny finance charges. Take the whole experience as one of life’s cruel lessons and be a little wiser having been through it.
So, folks, moral of the story: Buy now, pay later does come with a “Conditions Apply” in the fine print. And you all know that whenever you’ve heard those two words, somehow and in some way they have always come back to bite you in the butt! So, beware!
The present day avatar of Roopchand and his khaata system are the credit cards. But, do beware - these seemingly harmless, and often delightful, creatures are pure evil. They lure you in promising the world – you know, with the all-so-familiar “Buy now, pay later! Pay us back when you have the money! Relax!” philosophy. You get roped in just like a naïve little insect heading into the Venus fly trap, unassuming and very vulnerable. You calmly walk in to their wondrous world of low interest paybacks, pay-by-EMI schemes and my personal favourite, the minimum amount due. And once you’ve been reeled in, there’s no getting out. There’s no patch that can help you kick the credit card habit, no magical gum with approved credit card nicotine levels that can help you get out!
Just think about it. How have we, and our spending habits, changed in the last 5 years:
- You drive into the petrol pump (or ‘gas station’ for the US-returned folks who don’t seem to remember what a ‘petrol pump’ is) and go – full tank, fill ‘er up! No more do you fill fuel for Rs. 500 only – that’s passé!
- You walk into an Adidas store with the huge SALE sign in the window – 40% off?!?! Shoes only for Rs. 3500? Awesome! Charge it to my card, please!
- Partying at the Blue Frog in Bombay? Holy smokes! Rs. 600 for one cocktail?!?!?!?! You gotta be kidding me!!! Okkkkk…charge it to my card!
One fine day the credit card bill arrives, and you wonder! When did I spend that much? There must be a mistake! You start going through the transaction details one by one. Rs. 4,800 at Area 51 – oh yeah! I remember that. Next – Rs. 9,500 paid towards Jet Airways? Oh yeah, Tambi’s wedding!! Did that bozo have to get married this month?!?!?! So on and so forth. And then there’s always one or two entries in there that you just can’t figure out. Right? Am sure that happens to each one of us every single month. That Rs. 3,400 at JD Electronics or something of the sort? What??? What was that? What did I buy from JD Electronics? You wrack your brains for about an hour, ask everyone possible about what this amount could be. You rummage through whatever bills you have lying in your bedside drawer. Then, you just give up! You just go back to the bill, and look at the final amount to be paid. Rs. 20,000?!?!?! Wow!!!!
Then your attention is drawn to that tiny figure mentioned against the words ‘minimum amount due’ – the easiest escape route from that 20,000 bill, you think. I can pay off Rs. 500 easily – wow! I love this new Roopchand! Frankly, I think the government should make it compulsory for credit card companies to also print 2 horns at the sides of this ‘minimum amount due’. Something like the “Smoking Kills!” signs that cigarette brands have to put on their packaging. Anyway, you go ahead and pay the minimum amount due – that measly Rs. 500. For one month, you forget about the 20k bill that you’d raked up last month, and you step into the mall again. Obviously, there’s a horde of sales on again, and again, you do waiver a little ‘cos you have the Visa Power that Sachin Tendulkar so prudently recommended.
One month down the line, the next bill comes along. Again, that evil minimum amount due figure teases you ever so slightly. “Ah! I need to buy that home theatre system this month, let me just pay the minimum amount due just this once more”, you say to yourself. The home theatre is bought, and of course, you swipe that magical credit card again. Life is sweet! The story goes on for a few months, and BAM! your bill runs up beyond recognition. You wonder how the minimum amounts that you so diligently paid every month have not managed to drop that ‘total amount due’ column even marginally. Yeah, folks! You’ve been burned! The lavish interest rates coupled with the enormously complicated calculation mechanisms of these credit card companies leaves you absolutely bewildered. But, there’s nothing that you can do besides pay the damn thugs off and move on in life! At best, you can use your “I’ve been a loyal customer to the bank for over 5 years” card to knock off some tiny finance charges. Take the whole experience as one of life’s cruel lessons and be a little wiser having been through it.
So, folks, moral of the story: Buy now, pay later does come with a “Conditions Apply” in the fine print. And you all know that whenever you’ve heard those two words, somehow and in some way they have always come back to bite you in the butt! So, beware!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Prelude to the Cricket World Cup
Oh well, I don’t care…
And I don’t wanna see…
Cricket has lost its charm…
Now, its all about the ‘fee’!
Heard that one before?
Oh! You’re saying that too?
The World Cup’s coming,
And you don’t give a hoot???
That’s all gonna change…
Let the matches begin…
Or the opening ceremony even…
Where Bryan Adams’ gonna sing!
The fever’s picking up…
Its happening for sure…
People are walking in…
‘Cricket Crazy’ has no cure!
The practice matches are on…
Yet the stadiums are brimming…
Those cricket crazy fans…
In numbers they are appearing!
Cheering for their team…
Cheering for the men in blue,
Pray they ‘MAKE IT LARGE’ now,
Not like last time go askew!
Come on, Dhoni and team!
You’ve gotta win the cup again..
How long can we harp on ‘83?
Those replays have become a pain!
We need to win this one…
Its in our own backyard…
Go kick some Aussie butt…
Go the whole nine yards!
The Englishmen are in form…
The Lankans will put up a fight…
But our ‘Tendya’ lifting the cup…
I wanna witness that sight!!!
Lets go out there and win…
Go play like champions now…
No matter who the opposition…
Make their heads bow!!!
And I don’t wanna see…
Cricket has lost its charm…
Now, its all about the ‘fee’!
Heard that one before?
Oh! You’re saying that too?
The World Cup’s coming,
And you don’t give a hoot???
That’s all gonna change…
Let the matches begin…
Or the opening ceremony even…
Where Bryan Adams’ gonna sing!
The fever’s picking up…
Its happening for sure…
People are walking in…
‘Cricket Crazy’ has no cure!
The practice matches are on…
Yet the stadiums are brimming…
Those cricket crazy fans…
In numbers they are appearing!
Cheering for their team…
Cheering for the men in blue,
Pray they ‘MAKE IT LARGE’ now,
Not like last time go askew!
Come on, Dhoni and team!
You’ve gotta win the cup again..
How long can we harp on ‘83?
Those replays have become a pain!
We need to win this one…
Its in our own backyard…
Go kick some Aussie butt…
Go the whole nine yards!
The Englishmen are in form…
The Lankans will put up a fight…
But our ‘Tendya’ lifting the cup…
I wanna witness that sight!!!
Lets go out there and win…
Go play like champions now…
No matter who the opposition…
Make their heads bow!!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Of a creative bend of mind – really?!?!?!
Creativity – highly misused and equally misunderstood! Does creativity limit itself to the ‘artsy-partsy’ people? To the MF Hussains and the Woody Allens of the world? Does one become creative by holding his camera at a 45 degrees angle and taking a picture from in between Tia’s head and Rohan’s arm? Or do you get tagged creative if you wear ragged clothes and look like you haven’t had a bath in a fortnight or two? Who really qualifies as a creative person? I never was among the creative kind – of course creative back in the day was limited to the ‘artsy-partsy’. I couldn’t draw for shit – still can’t! Never really got into painting in school…every painting competition that I was forced into in school, all I could conjure up was that familiar image of symmetrical triangle mountains with a weird-ass river flowing in between them, rolling down to the end of the paper like Sridevi’s (yeah, I was in school that long back!!!) curves! The smiley-faced crescent of the Sun brimming through the triangles – nope, not once did I draw the entire Sun! Never! Maybe I was too lazy, or maybe my creative side preferred the twilight! Then there was that box-like house with the square windows, and grass that looked like someone had planted pitchforks in my garden! To be fair, I did add the odd new element every year – yes sir! One year there was a family playing on the pitchforks – and judging by the smiles on their faces, they didn’t seem to mind those razor sharp blades of grass one bit! But of course, now that I think about it, the family did look more like scarecrows and less like actual people! Maybe that’s why they didn’t mind the odd pitchfork up their butt! Another year, another drawing competition – the river got flying fish! Well, not so much flying, but more my inability to make them appear like they were swimming in the river! I wonder now who kept pushing me into those drawing competitions to being with –they must’ve been compulsory!
So, owing to the lack of prowess on the canvas (or in my case, the drawing book), I never did consider myself to be creative! And quite the opposite, there was my sis, who counted herself among the leading artistes of the world – from bharatnatyam to oil painting to even some music lessons if I remember correctly. Well, I don’t remember too much coming out of those classes though. Bharatnatyam just about taught her to shake her head from side-to-side without moving the rest of her body - which was a little freaky to be honest! Then the painting classes, the outcome of which were two 8”x10” canvas paintings of flowers – which might have contributed a little to that ‘F’ in Maths as well. Music classes – I don’t quite remember if she took classes or not, but I do remember her boasting about being able to play the ‘keyboard’ (that was the ‘in’ thing beck then) – some two or three old Bollywood numbers + a happy birthday to you! And yeah, she even won some contest in the Indian Express youth supplement where her article was published and she won some prize money as well! So, she was obviously the creative one among us siblings. And I, on the other hand, was the more subdued, introvert kid who was only good with the grades and cricket with the neighbourhood kids!
Somewhere down the line, the word ‘creative’ took on a new meaning for me, a new avatar if you will. I got out of school, and the burden of ‘extra-curricular activities’ was gone! No more general knowledge quiz, no more hand-writing competitions, no debates (not that I participated in one while I was in school), no more painting (thank God for small mercies)! Well, to be frank, college wasn’t too different either! The creative lot in college were the folks who participated in plays, in dances, or those who sang on stage during the college functions. Not that I didn’t try my hand at that – we decided to do a play in the first year of college! Now, I know I couldn’t act to save my life! Unfortunately, my classmates had other ideas. I landed the role of the Professor in our Hindi version of Mind Your Language – and for those of you who haven’t seen Mind Your Language, well, the Professor was the leading man (read most lines…which also equals most amount of acting)! How that bloody play tanked was LEGEND….wait for it….well, to be honest, nobody really waited for the rest of it!!! So, the obvious thought was “its confirmed, I don’t have a creative bone in my body!”. And I was fine with it too! I had survived without creativity for so long, I was sure I could go on without it!
Next stop – Trivandrum! I reach God’s own country for my first job, and out of nowhere, one fine day (out of sheer boredom), I decide to write! I knew my English wasn’t half bad! I sure had the genes for it considering my dad repertoire of published magazine articles. And being in the Brand Management team, I suppose it was expected off me to be creative! There I was, writing a blog in my spare time, writing official articles on behalf of the top bosses in my company, and even being roped in for my opinion by graphic designers! Was I getting there? Was creativity, the bitch that had eluded me for so long, finally coming to me? Maybe it was…maybe it was!!!
So, folks, coming back to the original question – who do you brand ‘creative’? Who qualifies? I guesssssss….everyone in some way or the other???
So, owing to the lack of prowess on the canvas (or in my case, the drawing book), I never did consider myself to be creative! And quite the opposite, there was my sis, who counted herself among the leading artistes of the world – from bharatnatyam to oil painting to even some music lessons if I remember correctly. Well, I don’t remember too much coming out of those classes though. Bharatnatyam just about taught her to shake her head from side-to-side without moving the rest of her body - which was a little freaky to be honest! Then the painting classes, the outcome of which were two 8”x10” canvas paintings of flowers – which might have contributed a little to that ‘F’ in Maths as well. Music classes – I don’t quite remember if she took classes or not, but I do remember her boasting about being able to play the ‘keyboard’ (that was the ‘in’ thing beck then) – some two or three old Bollywood numbers + a happy birthday to you! And yeah, she even won some contest in the Indian Express youth supplement where her article was published and she won some prize money as well! So, she was obviously the creative one among us siblings. And I, on the other hand, was the more subdued, introvert kid who was only good with the grades and cricket with the neighbourhood kids!
Somewhere down the line, the word ‘creative’ took on a new meaning for me, a new avatar if you will. I got out of school, and the burden of ‘extra-curricular activities’ was gone! No more general knowledge quiz, no more hand-writing competitions, no debates (not that I participated in one while I was in school), no more painting (thank God for small mercies)! Well, to be frank, college wasn’t too different either! The creative lot in college were the folks who participated in plays, in dances, or those who sang on stage during the college functions. Not that I didn’t try my hand at that – we decided to do a play in the first year of college! Now, I know I couldn’t act to save my life! Unfortunately, my classmates had other ideas. I landed the role of the Professor in our Hindi version of Mind Your Language – and for those of you who haven’t seen Mind Your Language, well, the Professor was the leading man (read most lines…which also equals most amount of acting)! How that bloody play tanked was LEGEND….wait for it….well, to be honest, nobody really waited for the rest of it!!! So, the obvious thought was “its confirmed, I don’t have a creative bone in my body!”. And I was fine with it too! I had survived without creativity for so long, I was sure I could go on without it!
Next stop – Trivandrum! I reach God’s own country for my first job, and out of nowhere, one fine day (out of sheer boredom), I decide to write! I knew my English wasn’t half bad! I sure had the genes for it considering my dad repertoire of published magazine articles. And being in the Brand Management team, I suppose it was expected off me to be creative! There I was, writing a blog in my spare time, writing official articles on behalf of the top bosses in my company, and even being roped in for my opinion by graphic designers! Was I getting there? Was creativity, the bitch that had eluded me for so long, finally coming to me? Maybe it was…maybe it was!!!
So, folks, coming back to the original question – who do you brand ‘creative’? Who qualifies? I guesssssss….everyone in some way or the other???
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Next Gen Green Revolution
‘GO GREEN’ reads almost every flyer, every email, every article, every poster one sees around! Pune being one of the IT hubs, the slogan hits you almost everywhere you look! One can’t even go to the toilet anymore without being reminded of it – Ah! the plush toilets of the Indian IT company! Long gone are the days of “yethe thukku naka”. The employee has cleaned up his act, and the stains and stench of paan no longer rule our world. The company Facilities Department have moved on as well. The “Do not spit here” signs from the toilet have now been replaced by “Do not waste natural resources – preserve paper and water”. May not be the most apt place to put up such a sign, but, what the hell, its not my place to judge! Getting back to the topic, GREEN is the new catch word! GREEN is the colour to be. Envy? Nah, your jealousy can take on another colour – just make it “orange with envy” for all I care! ‘Cos today, GREEN is GOOD! GREEN is IN!
The latest to step on to the green bandwagon are the tea makers. The latest entrant to their wonderful world of fragrances and flavours – Green Tea! What are the two most used catch-phrases today – GREEN and HEALTHY. I mean our generation is obsessed with anything healthy! You could even sell shampoo to that naive ignorant customer if your shampoo had “HEALTHY” stamped on the bottle somewhere! I can just imagine the whole advertising campaign built around this product – Introducing the new improved (that was what advertisers used before ‘green’ and ‘healthy’ burst onto the scene) All Clear Shampoo with jojoba health extracts! Removes dandruff while in your hair, and reduces your body fat while you wash it off.” And just to make that sound a little more convincing, get a Katrina Kaif to prance around in her Shiela avatar! Trust me, your shampoo would sell!
So, the tea makers of Darjeeling (or was it China???) have combined both these catch-phrases and brought in the revolutionary ‘Green Tea’ concept. Its quite the fad right now! Look around! You go to a high tea at your neighbours place, its not just ‘chai’ waiting for you - you are flooded with a barrage of tea bags to choose from. There’s the Darjeeling tea, the lemon and green tea, the green tea and mint, Camomile tea, and my personal favourite (fad name-wise that is), the herbal tea. Reminds me of when my dad once stepped into Starbucks and ordered ‘a coffee’. “What’s that, sir?” :)
Now, it would be fun if someone’s granny (preferably a little hard of hearing) went to one of these soirees…(excuse my Punjabi)…
Granny: Puttar, mainu ik chaa chaidi ae… (Son, I need a cup of tea.)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai? (What tea?)
Granny: Kaunsi chaa? Chaa nahi haigi twaade kol? Dolly ne to sannu chaa de waaste bulaya si! (You don’t have tea? Dolly had called us over for tea!)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai doon aapko? Green tea? (What tea would you like? Green Tea?)
Granny: Khotte…chaa hari kaddon hon lagi??? (Idiot! When did tea become green?)
Servant: Maaji, hara rang nahin hai, green tea type ki chai hai…(the tea isn’t green in colour, its just the type of tea)
Granny: Kiiiiiii??? (Whattttt???)
Servant: Maaji, Camomile tea bhi hai. Woh doon? (We also have Camomile tea, can I offer you that?)
Granny: Oonth di chaa???? (Camel’s tea???)
Servant: Nahin, maaji. Cam-o-mile tea….(No…Cam-o-mile tea)
Granny: Phitte moo. Main tenu oonth vargi lagdi haan!!! Main ghar jaa rahi haan…(Forget it…I look like a camel to you!!! I’m going home!!!”)
Anyway, poor Granny goes back home without any tea, and Dolly aunty’s servant is left perplexed as to why Granny was so pissed off!
So, yeah, Green Tea! We’re all drinking loads of it in the hope that eat what we may, this miracle concoction will not only let us retain our trim waistlines, but also….DRUM ROLLLLLLL…..trim them further! “Bring on the chocolate cake, Maa! And yeah, get me a cup of green tea after!” Sound familiar??? Yes? That was me last night! How did you know - are you stalking me??? Now I know what the Gauls felt like when they drank that magic potion in the Asterix comic books. Who needs the hustle and bustle of gymnasiums…those strenuous workouts…the endless hours running on that boring treadmill like a freakin’ hamster??? All you need is green tea! It helps speed up your metabolism! Met-a-bolism, dude! Faster metabolism! Come on, you can’t go wrong with faster metabolism! That’s what you need to knock off those love handles! Wouldn’t it be wonderful – all the Gold Gyms and Talwalkars of the world getting rid of their heavy machinery and replacing them with tea dispensers! Low on capital investment and guaranteed results! After their hugely successful yoga DVDs, Shilpa and Lara coming out with a whole new series – “Make that perfect cup of tea…let Lara show you how”…or maybe even Arnold coming in for an ad or two showing off his abs (or whatever is left of them now) --- “Theees tea is waandarfool! I’ll be baaack…for some more!”
I wonder how well Twinnings is doing these days? I’m sure their sales figures have never looked better? What say? In a country traditionally obsessed with tea, comes this concept that’s making even the beer drinkers pick up a cup or two a day! Phew! The numbers must be staggering!!!
The latest to step on to the green bandwagon are the tea makers. The latest entrant to their wonderful world of fragrances and flavours – Green Tea! What are the two most used catch-phrases today – GREEN and HEALTHY. I mean our generation is obsessed with anything healthy! You could even sell shampoo to that naive ignorant customer if your shampoo had “HEALTHY” stamped on the bottle somewhere! I can just imagine the whole advertising campaign built around this product – Introducing the new improved (that was what advertisers used before ‘green’ and ‘healthy’ burst onto the scene) All Clear Shampoo with jojoba health extracts! Removes dandruff while in your hair, and reduces your body fat while you wash it off.” And just to make that sound a little more convincing, get a Katrina Kaif to prance around in her Shiela avatar! Trust me, your shampoo would sell!
So, the tea makers of Darjeeling (or was it China???) have combined both these catch-phrases and brought in the revolutionary ‘Green Tea’ concept. Its quite the fad right now! Look around! You go to a high tea at your neighbours place, its not just ‘chai’ waiting for you - you are flooded with a barrage of tea bags to choose from. There’s the Darjeeling tea, the lemon and green tea, the green tea and mint, Camomile tea, and my personal favourite (fad name-wise that is), the herbal tea. Reminds me of when my dad once stepped into Starbucks and ordered ‘a coffee’. “What’s that, sir?” :)
Now, it would be fun if someone’s granny (preferably a little hard of hearing) went to one of these soirees…(excuse my Punjabi)…
Granny: Puttar, mainu ik chaa chaidi ae… (Son, I need a cup of tea.)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai? (What tea?)
Granny: Kaunsi chaa? Chaa nahi haigi twaade kol? Dolly ne to sannu chaa de waaste bulaya si! (You don’t have tea? Dolly had called us over for tea!)
Servant: Maaji, kaunsi chai doon aapko? Green tea? (What tea would you like? Green Tea?)
Granny: Khotte…chaa hari kaddon hon lagi??? (Idiot! When did tea become green?)
Servant: Maaji, hara rang nahin hai, green tea type ki chai hai…(the tea isn’t green in colour, its just the type of tea)
Granny: Kiiiiiii??? (Whattttt???)
Servant: Maaji, Camomile tea bhi hai. Woh doon? (We also have Camomile tea, can I offer you that?)
Granny: Oonth di chaa???? (Camel’s tea???)
Servant: Nahin, maaji. Cam-o-mile tea….(No…Cam-o-mile tea)
Granny: Phitte moo. Main tenu oonth vargi lagdi haan!!! Main ghar jaa rahi haan…(Forget it…I look like a camel to you!!! I’m going home!!!”)
Anyway, poor Granny goes back home without any tea, and Dolly aunty’s servant is left perplexed as to why Granny was so pissed off!
So, yeah, Green Tea! We’re all drinking loads of it in the hope that eat what we may, this miracle concoction will not only let us retain our trim waistlines, but also….DRUM ROLLLLLLL…..trim them further! “Bring on the chocolate cake, Maa! And yeah, get me a cup of green tea after!” Sound familiar??? Yes? That was me last night! How did you know - are you stalking me??? Now I know what the Gauls felt like when they drank that magic potion in the Asterix comic books. Who needs the hustle and bustle of gymnasiums…those strenuous workouts…the endless hours running on that boring treadmill like a freakin’ hamster??? All you need is green tea! It helps speed up your metabolism! Met-a-bolism, dude! Faster metabolism! Come on, you can’t go wrong with faster metabolism! That’s what you need to knock off those love handles! Wouldn’t it be wonderful – all the Gold Gyms and Talwalkars of the world getting rid of their heavy machinery and replacing them with tea dispensers! Low on capital investment and guaranteed results! After their hugely successful yoga DVDs, Shilpa and Lara coming out with a whole new series – “Make that perfect cup of tea…let Lara show you how”…or maybe even Arnold coming in for an ad or two showing off his abs (or whatever is left of them now) --- “Theees tea is waandarfool! I’ll be baaack…for some more!”
I wonder how well Twinnings is doing these days? I’m sure their sales figures have never looked better? What say? In a country traditionally obsessed with tea, comes this concept that’s making even the beer drinkers pick up a cup or two a day! Phew! The numbers must be staggering!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Wedding Toast!!!
Starring: Tanveen Dugal and Siddharth Puri
Script: Siddharth Puri and Harish Puri
Direction: Harish Puri
Here's the toast that Tanu and I presented at Puja and Sukh's reception...
Tanu: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen… I’m Tanu, sister of the groom…
Sid: And I’m Siddharth, brother of the bride… As the siblings, Tanu and I have the honour to raise a toast to the lovely couple…
Tanu: We’re glad to have all of you here tonight to grace this wonderful occasion… I know all of you are dying to get onto the dance floor, so we’ll try to keep this short…
Sid: Tanu, there’s a famous saying: “Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a sentence”. I’m sure that all the married folks in the crowd will agree with this…Right??? So, folks…Here we stand tonight, to celebrate this “sentence” for Puja and Sukh…
Tanu: Well, I’ve known the two of them as a couple for quite some time now, and I can’t think of any two people more right or more ready for this journey…or as you put it, this sentence!
Sid: True, I second that thought completely… how long has it been then? 6 years???
Tanu: Yup, 6 years…long time indeed!!! Isn’t it true that a man in love is incomplete until he is married.. ??
Sid: Yeah, and once he’s married, he’s finished!
Tanu: I guess that’s how things work, huh? Folks, for those of you who know Puja and Sukh well, I’m sure you’ll agree that both of them are very different, and often DIFFICULT, individuals.
Sid: And for those of you haven’t had that pleasure, well, I’m sure the wedding invite would have served as a good prelude…
Tanu: As the invite so rightly says, together they just seem to ‘fit’! Seeing these two come together has been a joy to watch…
Sid: Frankly, I think over the years they’ve just developed a mechanism to not get on each other’s nerves that often…
Tanu: Correct! They complement each other so well – two different and imperfect people forming a perfect couple. What say?
Sid: Right! Like how Sukh is a recluse, a reserved guy so-to-speak…and Puja is an out-and-out extrovert…
Tanu: Yeah, or like how Sukh loves to do his laundry, while Puja is fascinated by the dishwasher…
Sid: Like how she loves to do touristy stuff when she travels, and how he’d rather just sit at a Starbucks sipping his coffee!
Tanu: Or like how Puja is amazing with kids, and how Sukh still is one!
Sid: Yup, the list is long! And although they may be opposites in many ways, they are quite alike too, you know…
Tanu: Oh yeah! That list is long too…like how they’re both gadget freaks?! Be it the MacBook, the ipad, the iphone, the kindle…PHEW! You name it!
Sid: Or like the number of toiletries that each of them possesses! I mean being metrosexual is one thing, Sukh. But, come on, you’re 2 products short of having your own show in Vegas!
Tanu: And their craze for watching movies…and going to the theatre more for the nachos and pop-corn rather than the movie itself!
Sid: Or like how they worship Steve Jobs…
Tanu: or how they just love to shop…
Sid: or being self-proclaimed nerds…and being damn proud of it!
Tanu: Yup, at the risk of sounding clichéd, they do ‘complete’ each other! Sid, don’t they say marriages are made in heaven?
Sid: Sure! As are thunder and lightning!!…
Tanu: Haha.. Well, marriage!! Coming home every evening to a little love, a little caring, a little tenderness.. What does that sound like, Sid??
Sid: Sounds like you’ve come to the wrong house!! Folks, here’s to Sukh – a man who keeps his head although he loses his heart..
Tanu: And here’s to Puja – may she share everything with her husband – including the housework!!!
Sid: Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love,
Tanu: And they blossom when we love the one we married...
Sid: Here’s to the prettiest
Tanu: Here’s to the wittiest
Sid: Here’s to the neatest
Tanu: Here’s to the sweetest
Sid: Here’s to Puja and Sukh – the truest of the true..
Tanu: May your destination be your destiny..
Sid: Cheers!!!
Script: Siddharth Puri and Harish Puri
Direction: Harish Puri
Here's the toast that Tanu and I presented at Puja and Sukh's reception...
Tanu: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen… I’m Tanu, sister of the groom…
Sid: And I’m Siddharth, brother of the bride… As the siblings, Tanu and I have the honour to raise a toast to the lovely couple…
Tanu: We’re glad to have all of you here tonight to grace this wonderful occasion… I know all of you are dying to get onto the dance floor, so we’ll try to keep this short…
Sid: Tanu, there’s a famous saying: “Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a sentence”. I’m sure that all the married folks in the crowd will agree with this…Right??? So, folks…Here we stand tonight, to celebrate this “sentence” for Puja and Sukh…
Tanu: Well, I’ve known the two of them as a couple for quite some time now, and I can’t think of any two people more right or more ready for this journey…or as you put it, this sentence!
Sid: True, I second that thought completely… how long has it been then? 6 years???
Tanu: Yup, 6 years…long time indeed!!! Isn’t it true that a man in love is incomplete until he is married.. ??
Sid: Yeah, and once he’s married, he’s finished!
Tanu: I guess that’s how things work, huh? Folks, for those of you who know Puja and Sukh well, I’m sure you’ll agree that both of them are very different, and often DIFFICULT, individuals.
Sid: And for those of you haven’t had that pleasure, well, I’m sure the wedding invite would have served as a good prelude…
Tanu: As the invite so rightly says, together they just seem to ‘fit’! Seeing these two come together has been a joy to watch…
Sid: Frankly, I think over the years they’ve just developed a mechanism to not get on each other’s nerves that often…
Tanu: Correct! They complement each other so well – two different and imperfect people forming a perfect couple. What say?
Sid: Right! Like how Sukh is a recluse, a reserved guy so-to-speak…and Puja is an out-and-out extrovert…
Tanu: Yeah, or like how Sukh loves to do his laundry, while Puja is fascinated by the dishwasher…
Sid: Like how she loves to do touristy stuff when she travels, and how he’d rather just sit at a Starbucks sipping his coffee!
Tanu: Or like how Puja is amazing with kids, and how Sukh still is one!
Sid: Yup, the list is long! And although they may be opposites in many ways, they are quite alike too, you know…
Tanu: Oh yeah! That list is long too…like how they’re both gadget freaks?! Be it the MacBook, the ipad, the iphone, the kindle…PHEW! You name it!
Sid: Or like the number of toiletries that each of them possesses! I mean being metrosexual is one thing, Sukh. But, come on, you’re 2 products short of having your own show in Vegas!
Tanu: And their craze for watching movies…and going to the theatre more for the nachos and pop-corn rather than the movie itself!
Sid: Or like how they worship Steve Jobs…
Tanu: or how they just love to shop…
Sid: or being self-proclaimed nerds…and being damn proud of it!
Tanu: Yup, at the risk of sounding clichéd, they do ‘complete’ each other! Sid, don’t they say marriages are made in heaven?
Sid: Sure! As are thunder and lightning!!…
Tanu: Haha.. Well, marriage!! Coming home every evening to a little love, a little caring, a little tenderness.. What does that sound like, Sid??
Sid: Sounds like you’ve come to the wrong house!! Folks, here’s to Sukh – a man who keeps his head although he loses his heart..
Tanu: And here’s to Puja – may she share everything with her husband – including the housework!!!
Sid: Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love,
Tanu: And they blossom when we love the one we married...
Sid: Here’s to the prettiest
Tanu: Here’s to the wittiest
Sid: Here’s to the neatest
Tanu: Here’s to the sweetest
Sid: Here’s to Puja and Sukh – the truest of the true..
Tanu: May your destination be your destiny..
Sid: Cheers!!!
Thursday, January 06, 2011
In’advert’ently Annoying!!!
I was watching the India – South Africa test match last night and realized how ‘in-your-face’ advertising has really become! As far back as I can remember, advertisements used to be shown during cricket matches between two overs while the captain of the fielding side decided which bowler he would bring on next, had a quick chat with his vice captain on strategy for the batsman on strike, and set the field accordingly. Advertisers got a slightly longer slot during the drinks break or when someone got out. This has completely changed! Now, advertisements hit you between two overs, between two deliveries and even during the deliveries for crying out loud! Its annoying as hell!!! It started with “cover the bottom half of the screen” approach that the cablewaalas of yesteryear used to employ for selling Rupa underwear or jalebis from the neighbourhood Agarwal sweets. Remember that? Shah Rukh Khan doing his song and dance routine, when suddenly out of nowhere comes this wide variety of underwear bouncing onto the screen!!! Then came the inserts with a tiger appearing on the screen cheering every boundary that was scored. Next was the turn of the more hi-tech picture-in-picture kind of advertising. Here, the sports screen shrinks to about three fourths of its size, with advertisers using a quarter of the screen for shoving some inane brand name into our homes! As if that wasn’t enough, now is the age of holographic images being imposed onto some part of the cricket field. Like yesterday, there was Zaheer bowling to Greame Smith, with Dhoni and the slip fielders looking on in rapt attention hoping for a nick to come their way. I too was glued to the TV screen lest my lapse in concentration make India drop a catch or something. Then right at Dhoni’s feet comes this signage in blue saying ‘Samvedna’ (or something of that sort). Smith drives Zaheer straight down the pitch and you see ‘Voltas’ displayed around the 30 yard line! Next ball that Zaheer goes to bowl, its some other brand at Dhoni’s feet! I think the Indian advertisers / broadcasters saw this happening during one of the EPL games being aired on TV and decided to take it to the next level! Rather than just at the beginning of the match as is done in the EPL and the likes, they must’ve said, why not just use every minute of the 5 day test match to advertise something???
An advertiser probably thought that for a change people are watching these test matches, and thanks to the recession I can’t afford air time during the more popular versions of the game – the T20s and ODIs. So, why not just use the test series to spread the word about my revolutionary new product? What better way to welcome Laxman’s free flow of runs than with my constipation-ending isabgol being displayed on air? Or what better way to celebrate Bhajji’s 7 wicket haul than filling the TV screens with Pappu Pagadis (turbans)? The broadcasters, of course, are more than happy to oblige – at the right cost! While they make tons of money, I suppose they seem to have forgotten all about the poor TV viewers in the process. I understand that getting broadcasting rights these days for any sporting event is a painful and costly affair considering the number of sports channels that we have today. But, spare a thought for the viewers. When I see a cricket match, I want to see it without any interruptions. How irritated do we get when someone walks across the screen just when the bowler is about to bowl? Now, aren’t the broadcasters doing the exact same thing – these advertisements are that fat Punjabi aunt coming between you and the cricket every single ball of the match!!!
I know that sponsors are essential for broadening the popularity of any sport – pump in the money, generate interest, get more people involved in the sport etc. etc. etc. But, where do we draw the line between healthy advertising that one appreciates and the shove-it-down-someone’s-throat kind? Does this happen only in the sub-continent, I wonder? Or is it equally annoying for the Lords at Westchester when they watch the Ashes on TV? I suppose not! Is our tolerance level higher? I think not – I get irritated when these ads cover half my TV screen!!! Or are the broadcasters just taking our Indian ‘chalta hai’ attitude for granted??? I think this is it! Just like we all got used to the buzzing sounds of the vuvuzela during the Football World Cup, the broadcasters must feel we’ll just get used to these advertisements as well. So, how do we get rid of these pesky advertisers from ruining our cricket viewing experience? Suggestions please!!!! One immediate way is to switch to the high definition channels from the Tata Skies and the Airtels – no ads. Period. Problem 1 with that approach is that not all channels have the HD version that we can switch to. Problem 2 is affordability. While you and I can still pay for this ‘premium service’ (I can’t believe no ads is what qualifies for premium service these days!), not all people can.
I can almost imagine sports-viewing in India about 5 years from now. Ads creeping into every sporting spectacle that we watch. Brands associating themselves with certain players – not by paying them for becoming brand ambassadors, but by sheer timing of the ads coming on when these players are on screen. Some examples that spring to mind immediately are:
1. Rafael Nadal – VIP underwear ads; Tagline – Ab adjust karne ki zaroorat nahin!
2. Tiger Woods – Sharma Driving School; Tagline – Gaadi bhagayein, magar pedh par nahin!
3. John Terry – Community Matrimony.com; Tagline – Aisi jodi banaye ki baaju wale ki biwi pe nazar hi na jaaye!
4. Serena Williams – Rambo Gym; Tagline – Asli pehelvanon ki pasand!
5. Andrew Symmonds – Bandar Chaap Agarbatti – no tagline required here
6. Zinedine Zidane (well, I know he’s retired, but just couldn’t resist this) – Navratna Tel; Tagline – Thanda thanda cool cool – laal tel jo aapko laal card se duur rakhe!
In fact, if they extended this to the other channels, there are huge revenues to be had for TV channels broadcasting latest / popular movies, or even the news for that matter. Imagine the ads here:
1. Pamela Anderson comes on screen in a wet T-shirt and pop comes the ad for Asian Paints with their tagline: “Reverse the effect of water on your walls with Silicon”…I’m sure this would be far more convincing than the ad they have on air right now with the kids splashing water all over the place. By the way, I’m still confused how silicon in the paint helps walls to repel water?!?!?!
2. Sarah Palin comes on some feature on CNBC, and the Idea mobile number portability ad comes on the side of the screen – No idea? Get Idea!!!
But yeah, the point remains – where are we headed with this intrusive advertising that’s ruining the joy of sports?!?!?! Although we can’t get away from advertising altogether, how can we keep it under control, and not let advertisers invade our lives?!?!
An advertiser probably thought that for a change people are watching these test matches, and thanks to the recession I can’t afford air time during the more popular versions of the game – the T20s and ODIs. So, why not just use the test series to spread the word about my revolutionary new product? What better way to welcome Laxman’s free flow of runs than with my constipation-ending isabgol being displayed on air? Or what better way to celebrate Bhajji’s 7 wicket haul than filling the TV screens with Pappu Pagadis (turbans)? The broadcasters, of course, are more than happy to oblige – at the right cost! While they make tons of money, I suppose they seem to have forgotten all about the poor TV viewers in the process. I understand that getting broadcasting rights these days for any sporting event is a painful and costly affair considering the number of sports channels that we have today. But, spare a thought for the viewers. When I see a cricket match, I want to see it without any interruptions. How irritated do we get when someone walks across the screen just when the bowler is about to bowl? Now, aren’t the broadcasters doing the exact same thing – these advertisements are that fat Punjabi aunt coming between you and the cricket every single ball of the match!!!
I know that sponsors are essential for broadening the popularity of any sport – pump in the money, generate interest, get more people involved in the sport etc. etc. etc. But, where do we draw the line between healthy advertising that one appreciates and the shove-it-down-someone’s-throat kind? Does this happen only in the sub-continent, I wonder? Or is it equally annoying for the Lords at Westchester when they watch the Ashes on TV? I suppose not! Is our tolerance level higher? I think not – I get irritated when these ads cover half my TV screen!!! Or are the broadcasters just taking our Indian ‘chalta hai’ attitude for granted??? I think this is it! Just like we all got used to the buzzing sounds of the vuvuzela during the Football World Cup, the broadcasters must feel we’ll just get used to these advertisements as well. So, how do we get rid of these pesky advertisers from ruining our cricket viewing experience? Suggestions please!!!! One immediate way is to switch to the high definition channels from the Tata Skies and the Airtels – no ads. Period. Problem 1 with that approach is that not all channels have the HD version that we can switch to. Problem 2 is affordability. While you and I can still pay for this ‘premium service’ (I can’t believe no ads is what qualifies for premium service these days!), not all people can.
I can almost imagine sports-viewing in India about 5 years from now. Ads creeping into every sporting spectacle that we watch. Brands associating themselves with certain players – not by paying them for becoming brand ambassadors, but by sheer timing of the ads coming on when these players are on screen. Some examples that spring to mind immediately are:
1. Rafael Nadal – VIP underwear ads; Tagline – Ab adjust karne ki zaroorat nahin!
2. Tiger Woods – Sharma Driving School; Tagline – Gaadi bhagayein, magar pedh par nahin!
3. John Terry – Community Matrimony.com; Tagline – Aisi jodi banaye ki baaju wale ki biwi pe nazar hi na jaaye!
4. Serena Williams – Rambo Gym; Tagline – Asli pehelvanon ki pasand!
5. Andrew Symmonds – Bandar Chaap Agarbatti – no tagline required here
6. Zinedine Zidane (well, I know he’s retired, but just couldn’t resist this) – Navratna Tel; Tagline – Thanda thanda cool cool – laal tel jo aapko laal card se duur rakhe!
In fact, if they extended this to the other channels, there are huge revenues to be had for TV channels broadcasting latest / popular movies, or even the news for that matter. Imagine the ads here:
1. Pamela Anderson comes on screen in a wet T-shirt and pop comes the ad for Asian Paints with their tagline: “Reverse the effect of water on your walls with Silicon”…I’m sure this would be far more convincing than the ad they have on air right now with the kids splashing water all over the place. By the way, I’m still confused how silicon in the paint helps walls to repel water?!?!?!
2. Sarah Palin comes on some feature on CNBC, and the Idea mobile number portability ad comes on the side of the screen – No idea? Get Idea!!!
But yeah, the point remains – where are we headed with this intrusive advertising that’s ruining the joy of sports?!?!?! Although we can’t get away from advertising altogether, how can we keep it under control, and not let advertisers invade our lives?!?!
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